Mostly Muslim
Nuzhat Ahmed
How long have you been adopting? How many children have you adopted?
I adopted my daughter nine years ago.
What made you want to become an adoptive parent?
I wanted to grow my family; I wanted my son to have a sibling.
I also dealt with infertility for a few years and eventually gave up the idea. Then one day I was discussing it with a fertility specialist in a doctor’s lounge, and he was telling me about the outcome of different treatments (IVF, etc.). He drew a nice graph depicting the success rate from 30-50 percent, depending on the type of treatment. He said there is one method that is 100% successful… I was all ears and was wondering why he didn’t tell me that to begin with. And he said, “Well, it’s adoption! No chances of failure.” It struck me so hard, and right then and there I decided.
It was a daunting task and took me 18 months altogether. My husband was on board right away, but as he was from here (the U.S.) he didn’t have a clue how to navigate the complex system in Pakistan. He was anxious. This is where I met Sarah Haider of New Star Kafala adoption agency! She guided me all the way. My aunt in Pakistan was the person who helped me through this, as well as my parents who had been there for me every step of the way. May Allah grant them Jannah.
What has your experience been like as a Muslim adoptive parent?
It is a lifelong commitment, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I told my daughter last year about her adoption when she turned 9. She cried and “thanked me.” It was so unnerving and sad. I told her I should be thanking her for making my life so full… Maybe one day she will understand!
She has been asking questions on a periodic basis. The best one was a week later: “So you are not my real mom, right?” And I had to think quickly (I was still in bed, early in the morning). So, I asked her if she has ever heard of a “fake mom” and she didn’t have an answer. That put that question to rest! I read somewhere that if you don’t have a good answer to a question, reply by a question! Offense is the best defense, as they say.
I know with time as she grows older we will have many meaningful discussions, which she will be able to understand better. Right now, her mind is trying to navigate this complex concept of adoption in its own way.
My only regret is not doing this sooner. My daughter and my son are 9.5 years apart. I feel they would be more connected if they were closer in age. But it was probably not the time or Allah’s will. Still, I am thankful. Her big brother is and will be there to care for her and guide her when we will not be around.
What were the reactions you received from the Muslim community when you decided to adopt?
I feel the response in the community was overwhelmingly positive. My family was super excited as well.
One of my aunts whose son and daughter-in-law had been struggling with infertility had strong reaction to it, since she had opposed her son’s desire to adopt for years. She is no longer with us (she has passed away). Her son never did adopt, but feels really sad about it. Now feels too old to do it.
What are some misconceptions that you have noticed the Muslim community has about fostering and adopting?
People say, “Oh, your daughter is very lucky!” I tell them, “I am fortunate that Allah has blessed me with this naimat (blessing).” I find it very arrogant when people say, “Oh we are changing the life of a person,” because every child is born with her/his destiny. We are merely chosen by Allah to help fulfill it. May Allah (swt) help me raise her the best way possible.
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