Radical Forgiveness series

Guilt! How do we make it stop?

To begin, you need to recognize your triggers and learn to silence or replace your emotional responses to them. Why do you feel ‘less than’ others? What triggers you to hurt others? If shame stems from your actions, you must identify these root causes and learn from them.

I believe we are all here to learn and to love. I think our primary mission is to learn to love others as ourselves, as Jesus instructed in the second greatest commandment. Learning from our mistakes is a crucial part of this mission, and sometimes those lessons can be harsh. Instead of beating ourselves up over them, we should choose to move forward with confidence.

Some feelings are so deeply ingrained, even traumatic, that they can be very difficult to resolve. And while we may be forgiven, we don’t forget our lessons. It’s during these moments of memory that shame can creep back in.

How do we get past shame?

Understanding that “I did something bad” is distinct from “I am bad” is fundamental to preventing guilt from spiraling into destructive shame. We all, All, ALL make mistakes that we regret, and we learn from them. It’s an integral part of being human.

The key is to learn from the mistake. Learn from intentional behavior that hurts others. Learn what triggers these responses or actions in you. Then, learn how to control your reactions and make better choices.

The following three categories are major reasons why people hurt others:

Conflict over opposing goals

Conflict is a normal part of life—you can’t eliminate it unless you’re dead. People want different things, and when those desires collide, conflict often escalates.

We often perceive conflict as threatening and frustrating. Feeling threatened or lacking control can trigger defensive or retaliatory aggression, according to Verywell Mind. In conflict, we do and say hurtful things. I know I do, and then I always kick myself for it.

The most straightforward solution is to learn better communication and conflict resolution skills. In the first years of my marriage, we often said hurtful things. There was one shirt I wore that seemed associated with conflict. My wife would literally tear it off of me every time I wore it. Finally, I threw it away. Coincidentally, I said to her that we didn’t have to resolve differences this way. We worked things out instead of letting conflict escalate.

Communication and conflict resolution skills really work. “For example, several times people wanted to fight me. In one instance, a man was disappointed that I sold a motor scooter to someone else. I dodged his swing, then calmly explained that the Vespa needed a lot of work he couldn’t afford. He eventually saw I did him a favor and cooled off.

Another person who was always angry and frustrated was upset a project for him was taking too long to complete. He got in my face and tried to start a fight. Rather than reacting, I simply let him blow off steam, then quietly left. As they say, it takes two to tango (tangle).

A third person tried to charge me more than our contract specified. I pointed out that the additional charge wasn’t in the contract. He immediately flashed with anger—it was his habit to charge extra for more money. I said, “Let’s not go there.” By maintaining my cool and simply stating, “It’s a straightforward contract issue,” I saved the situation from escalating.

Of course, my wife can still make me upset regardless of what I know. Wives can do that. But we try to resolve differences rationally with no arguing and hurtful language. I never feel more terrible than when I’ve said something hurtful, so I’ve learned not to do it. I respect her opinions and wants.

Communication and negotiation is typically left to useless arguing and anger. We need to learn how to communicate and negotiate so we don’t wreck our lives and relationships. There is no point in everyone being angry.

You can find communication and conflict resolution classes in communities and online, and they may just save your relationships.

Learned aggression causes aggressive behavior

We tend to model behavior we’ve seen rather than learning new behavior. If our parents fought and argued, then this is what we do because this is what we know. If our parents talked things over and decided when it must go one person’s way or found win-win solutions, then this is what we do.

As I said to my wife the last time she tore off my shirt in our early marriage years, “We don’t have to resolve differences this way.” We both had a rethink and never did that again. We found better ways. And I realized that yelling often represented intensity of feelings and needs even though it’s often taken as escalation toward violence. Understanding another person’s style is often helpful. I don’t recommend yelling, but it happens in the best of us. I try to keep it to a minimum because it triggers traumatic feelings from the past.

Learning new conflict resolution skills not only helps resolve conflict in constructive ways, it models this for our children.

Keep in mind, the more emotionally invested we are in an outcome (as in want that scooter so badly) the more likely it is for conflict to erupt. Choose less stressful times to talk and state how important this is to you. It can help to make a scale and say I want this a nine or ten. Be careful everything isn’t an eleven on a ten scale or the scale becomes worthless.

True healing involves taking genuine responsibility for your actions and, whenever possible, making amends to those you’ve harmed. This forward-looking approach uses past mistakes as powerful learning opportunities to foster growth and make better choices in the present and future. To help, there are communications and conflict resolution classes in communities and online. They may just save your relationships.

Mental states

Some people are crazy—I’m crazy about my wife! But I’m not talking about clinical insanity here. I’m referring to mental states that are common but extreme. For example, as a pastor, I found working with people facing divorce particularly difficult. It involves extreme emotions and actions that are often out of control.

Some people have faced extreme trauma in their lives, which powerfully shapes their responses. Trauma experienced in formative years can have lifelong influences. For example, if a dog bites a child’s hand that was offered as an affectionate touch, the resulting fear of dogs can last a lifetime. Future reactions to dogs or other perceived aggressors can be both fearful and violent. This mental state can make it very difficult to resolve conflicts, especially if differences of opinion are perceived as aggression.

Even imbalances in the human body’s more than 50 hormones can enable triggers to cause irrational, aggressive, or even violent behavior.

Attitudes, which are driven by emotions from past experiences, can also lead to extreme behavior. Attitudes such as ‘all men are inferior and driven by testosterone’ or ‘all women are smothering’ can cause intense and even violent reactions. Similarly, attitudes like ‘all black people and all police want to hurt each other,’ or ‘all wealthy people are entitled and uncaring,’ can create divides that prevent interaction and cooperation.

The responsibility is on us as individuals to be aware of our mental state and control our behavior. But most of us slip occasionally.

Conclusion

Forgiving ourselves isn’t easy. We live with the shame of having done something to others that wasn’t right. The first thing we need to do is restore wholeness to the injured person. “Make it right.” Don’t do it to get forgiven; do it because it’s the right thing to do. Once you’ve made amends, you can forget it just as God forgets it and remembers it no more.

The second thing to do is ensure you don’t hurt others again. It’s a big boost to your confidence to know that you can interact well with others and avoid causing harm.

We all need to learn how to communicate effectively. It’s not a natural skill, especially if we’ve had negative approaches like fighting modeled for us. Taking classes in conflict resolution can help; in fact, I believe they should be offered in every high school to prevent many problems from even starting.

We also need to become better at monitoring our mental state. When you find yourself getting angry, you need to back off and cool down.

We’re in this world together. We have to learn to live with the good, the bad, and the ugly in both ourselves and others, and improve.

Concluding challenge

Remind yourself many times a day that God loves you despite anything you may have done. God’s love is unconditional. We can’t earn God’s love, and our misdeeds can’t make us lose it.

Think of those you have mistreated. Apologize to them and ask how you can make things right. By taking these steps, you can eliminate guilt, shame, and animosity, potentially regain a friend, and set yourself on the path to spiritual growth.

If you find yourself unable to take these actions, the subsequent articles in this series may provide further guidance. Otherwise, please consider seeking help from a qualified therapist. Your future well-being depends on it.

“Our answer is God. God’s answer is us. Together we make the world better.” – Dorian Scott Cole

“With hate we have more to lose than gain. Break the cycle.” – Dorian Scott Cole

Author’s website: DorianScottCole.com