Who is God? And if He’s there, what does He want from me?

Sometimes Christianity makes no sense to me.

God, made the world, and for some reason granted humans capacity to think. Then He decided to categorize an extensive bunch of stuff as sin, and He was so disgusted by all humans committing sins (since it is pretty much inescapable) that He decided to send us all to eternal punishment after we die. But He didn’t like the idea of everyone burning in Hell, so He created a way for a few of us to escape. He sent His son, Himself, to die for our sins. To be sacrificed in our place, to pay for the stuff that He had decided wasn’t acceptable. But this doesn’t automatically rescue everyone, only people that decide to believe it all and live their lives according to His rules.

The funny thing is, I know all the arguments, I know all the bible verses. I want it to be true.

 I’ve had the faith walk where I read chapters of my bible every day and prayed.

But I don’t feel compelled to do those things anymore.

Sometimes I feel this fear, fear that I’m not teaching my kids enough about God, and they will grow up as terrible people. Fear that I am not right with God and if I die I’ll end up in Hell. Fear that my life is going to unravel if I don’t “get right with God”.

But most of the time, I wonder why I should bother?

Does God really care how I live my life? Is my understanding of God really correct? Why do I assume that the God of Christianity is God? Maybe there is another understanding that is more accurate. Maybe I just find myself leaning towards Christianity because it is all I know, and if I studied another religion/way of understanding God, I would see God a different way.

I’ve always thought that Christianity “transforms lives”. Be a Christian so that you have these wonderful values that make you a wonderful person, and teach it to your kids so that they will have those values too.

The thing is, I feel like I have become a better person since faltering in my faith. I have stopped being such a perfectionist. I’ve stopped hitting my kids. I’ve stopped expecting my husband to be a mini-god to me and I’ve stopped burying my thoughts, feelings and interests under the pretense that women don’t matter. I’m learning to stop judging others by how they live their lives.

Do I really want that faith back? Why should I be a Christian? I still have a monogamous, loving marriage. I am a better mom. I am a more accepting human being without “the faith.”

I want to have faith. I want there to be a God, and I guess I believe that there is a God, who made the world. But I have a hard time believing that He cares about any of us, or what we do.

I don’t want to fail my kids. I don’t want to go to Hell. But what if Hell doesn’t exist?