Permission to Live
In many ways, this year has been life changing. I started this year a pretty comfortable Christian, and over the course of this year I’ve had days and weeks where I’m convinced there is no God, and nights that I sit on the bathroom floor in the dark praying through the Rosary. I still struggle to believe that God cares for us, but I want to believe that He exists. Despite everything, I want Him to be there. So for now, I found comfort in the hope that God is there and that He is different than I ever knew.
I learned so much this year, it’s kind of overwhelming. When this year started my theme song was something like “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day, and today I find myself resonating with “I’m not Afraid” by Eminem. If I had to sum up the year in one word, I would say “Change”. And although it’s been exhausting, that change has been for the better.
So for the final Quick Takes of 2010, I wanted to share some of the books that impacted me the most this year.
“The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists”
When I read the summary of this book on Amazon, I had never really heard of Narcissism. But the summary reminded me of different issues that both my husband and I have encountered with our parents. So I ordered it from our library. I was amazed, it basically described one of our fathers to a T and explained a lot of the behavior of the other. It talked about how this mindset develops and how it is a subconscious thing. It was a relief to finally realize that we aren’t crazy! We weren’t imagining this stuff, it really is there. This book summed up everything we already knew about the ego trips and obsession with furthering themselves that we’ve seen since childhood.
The title of this book was daunting. I love my parents, and I realize that I have had many good things in my life, I didn’t want to get sucked in to one of those books that blame your parents for everything and offer no resolution. But I was pleasantly surprised.
The first 5 chapters defined different kinds of parenting downfalls/abuse. Perfectionism, Religious excess, Verbal abuse, Physical Abuse, and Sexual Abuse. I read that first section in a like a day and I resonated with every single chapter. I couldn’t believe it at first, I always understood myself as the bad person, that my parents were pretty much perfect, and I was the failure. I couldn’t even read the rest of the book for a few weeks after that, I had a lot of mixed emotions about it. But I’m glad I made myself finish it. She walks you through the steps of healing by teaching you to let yourself be angry and grieve your losses, and eventually confrontation and forgiveness. I even followed her recommendation and wrote a letter to my parents, explaining how they had hurt me, the ways that had affected me then and today, and placing the boundaries of our current relationship. I can’t tell you how scary it was to mail that 9 page letter, but with the encouragement of my husband, I did. And I was shocked by a huge sense of relief the minute I dropped it in the mailbox. I had finally said the things that I had never allowed myself to say, I had told the truth about the abuses for the first time, I didn’t have to hide anymore, I didn’t have to pretend that everything had been wonderful. Eventually my parents responded, and it went much better then I had expected it too, but I had already experienced the healing from that letter long before they talked to me about it.
3.
This one is a bit different. I got it because I was fed up with feeling so insecure about myself in the bedroom, I didn’t expect it to teach me anything much, but I figured what the heck, I may as well read it. This is a great book. I realized for the first time how much self-hatred I have of my body. That stepping on the scale 27 times in one day, refusing to look at yourself in the mirror, and feeling as though there is no reason for anyone to love you is not healthy. I don’t know if this is just me, but when I read her chapter on teaching your daughters how to have healthy body image, I cried. This book is not a “how to perform in the bedroom manual” this is a book on how to value yourself as a person.
I got this book after hearing about it from Elizabeth Esther. I can’t really explain what it is that makes this book worth reading, it’s a autobiographical account of growing up in a conservative right wing movement, and the faith challenges that he experienced later in life. I loved his sense of humor, and really connected with a lot of his story, but I think the biggest encouragement for me was his approach to faith. Frank Schaeffer is still a christian, and he’s not a crazy fundamentalist christian! Maybe there is hope for a middle ground! I am currently in the middle of his “Patience with God” and I am finding it very encouraging as well.
As you know, I stopped spanking. And I’ve written about the books and other resources that I’ve found encouraging in that journey. This book is the one that stands out to me as the best of the bunch. I bought my own copy, and I love that it is not a “how-to” type of book, instead it runs through the different ages, personalities, love languages, and learning styles that children can have. So on those days where I am wondering what the heck is going on with my newly minted pre-school aged child. I can page through this book and realize that it is “normal”. This book is also chock full of ideas to try for consistent gentle parenting, and she even goes through difficult dilemma’s and gives ideas for working through them.
“What Parents need to know about Sibling Abuse”
This book was troubling for me. I got it from my library with a bunch of discipline books I was reading through, and this book really sucked me in. It not only defines what sibling abuse is, but also describes the family environments where it occurs. It brought back a lot of painful memories, and I am still struggling with anger over how I was set up to do some of the persecution of siblings that I did. I did feel empowered to prevent this type of problem in the lives of my own children. Well worth the read.
I am currently in the middle of this book, and I recommend it highly! I am looking forward to reading her other book as well. This book helped me to make the connection between perfectionism and shame. She is very honest about her own journey and gives great practical examples of how we feel driven to live the life that someone else feels we should, instead of the life we want to live. This little books sums up so much of what I’ve learned this year.
This post is a part of Conversion Diary’s Quick Takes Friday. Head over there to read more Quick Takes and maybe share your own.
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