10 reasons why roughly 300,000,000 Americans are wrong

10 reasons why roughly 300,000,000 Americans are wrong June 2, 2015

Dear Americans,TBTMS

I hope you had a wonderful Memorial Day. But I digress.

Shockingly, according to my calculations, roughly 300,000,000 of you have not bought my book The Bible Tells Me So: Why Defending Scripture Has Made Us Unable to Read It

It’s been out since September.

I’m not sure what the problem is, folks, but for those of you who need a little shove, here you go:

  1. The book is bright yellow and acts as its own energy source.
  2. It has a symbol of a … sword and … heart thingy that is calculated to lure you in by confusing you.
  3. I don’t waste your time (or mine) with footnotes to support my claims.
  4. It’s loaded with fresh ideas for how to upset your pastor or Bible study leader.
  5. God told me to write it.
  6. My friends told me not to.
  7. I use words like dipwad, sucks, Klingon, Herman Munster, Balrog, moron, and Justin Bieber.
  8. Neo-Calvinists, in Christian love and to the glory of God, have burned me at the stake in absentia over it.
  9. Southern Baptists break 4 commandments just thinking about it.
  10. Jesus himself endorsed the book (but we had to cut his blurb because there wasn’t enough room on the back cover).

Need I go on? No, I didn’t think so.

I’d like to cut that 300,000,000 in half by the end of the month, so thanks in advance.




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  • I thought the sword symbol was from the Game of Thrones. Now that I know it’s not, I’m sure not going to waste my money. I bet you don’t say a word about Tyrion Lannister, Daenerys Targaryen, and the White Walkers. Jeesh.

    • peteenns

      I know. I’ll never live that down. Never.

    • newenglandsun

      Daenerys Targaryen is my favorite! But then again, on wordpress and shredder, my icon is a dragon 🙂

  • ryan walton

    So good.

  • Burned at the stake in absentia. Never done that before. That’s something I’m going to have to try!

  • Interesting, I found the reverse to be true– that reading the Bible made me unable to defend it.

  • newenglandsun

    Well here are the problems:
    1. Needs to be hot pink instead of yellow.
    2. A sword? Really? Try a battle ax and it’ll be an insta-best seller!
    3. Well that’s what footnotes are FOR! You have to have footnotes with jokes and what-not. So go back and work on that.
    4. The problem is these ideas aren’t “fresh”. We can learn them in seminary ourselves.
    5. You have to have The Goddess telling you to write it.
    6. You have to say that your friends physically and mentally tortured you while you tried to write it.
    7. Edit out “Justin Bieber” or use the name in a pejorative sense.
    8. They have to literally burn you at the stake over it.
    9. Not enough commandments broken–aim for all ten.
    10. Add the blurb of Jesus endorsing the book.

    Do all these things and I’ll buy it ASAP.

  • Bill Barman

    Unless you quote J. Vernon McGee frequently, I’ll probably pass.

  • Ross

    My two pennies;

    1, I did buy it (but I live in the UK so it doesn’t count).
    2, It’s yellow and I’m in my blue phase.
    3, It’s a hard choice deciding between academics and the Australian wine industry.
    4, See 3 above.
    5, I bought it and read it twice, should I have paid twice?
    6, It doesn’t mention the Great green Arkleseizure, so is invalid.
    7, See 3 above
    8, See 1 above.
    9, There aren’t enough pictures.
    10, I bought it so buy your own, his children wear hand-me-downs and eat dust!

  • gewaite

    Church is boring.

  • Steve Schaffner

    Some of us got it from the library.

    • peteenns

      wrong answer

    • newenglandsun

      You can get it for free from the library but you can’t take notes and doodle all over it!

  • CrazyDogLady

    I have your book on Kindle and read it a couple of months ago. I found it very helpful and very engaging to read. I am on a “second half of my life do-over” and learning everything I can, especially to think for myself. I very much appreciate your book and your blog!

  • Juan C. Torres

    It’s one of the funniest book I’ve ever read! I have a paper copy and a kindle version of it as well. Great book!

  • Stephen W

    And for those of us who aren’t American, it’s not actually out yet.


    • peteenns

      Then why aren’t you American?

      • Stephen W

        Free healthcare.

    • newenglandsun

      Yeah, sheesh. Get with the program and become American.

  • I did buy the book (and, as an afterthought, I even read it). I suppose I could buy a second copy; would that count?

  • Character development was shallow, and I found it hard to care about them. The author has been very misinformed on the specifications of an AK-47. Most of the recipes called for ginger, which I did not have on hand and do not normally put in a meatloaf.

    I did like the scene with the bear and the chainsaw and appreciated the timely, pro-environment message. However, my enjoyment was eclipsed by all the dialogue being in Pig Latin.

    Overall, I give the book four stars primarily because of the fact that I get invited to speak at conferences by pretending to be Peter Enns.

  • Eric Oppenhuizen

    Get it! It’s worth every penny, but I do admit I got in on sale on Kindle for $3.99 a couple months back…BUT I did order several to stick on my shelf to give to congregants who might benefit from it, or who I might benefit from by giving it to them.

  • Love it, I purchased it because of the green cover, but then I am color blind.

    • newenglandsun

      You’re also black and white–or maybe I’m color blind, lol!
      And Roberts is an excellent last name to have.

  • I don’t understand the ‘joking’ in this discussion thread. Let’s get serious about this subject because, whether you know it or not, the biblical literalists have a stranglehold on many of our citizens. Further, because of this, these are easy prey for shyster politicians who use this uninformed bloc of voters to further their narcissistic agenda in Congress and state legislatures across America.

    Mr. Enns is attempting to educate this set of Americans on the original agenda of the biblical authors rather than the deviant interpretation of the Christian Right. Thank you Mr. Enns for your efforts in this endless battle with this corruption and false teaching.

    • newenglandsun

      What does this have to do with Dr. Enns’s book?

      • Because the book helps to explain the correct way to interpret the Bible. The Bible is not just one more book on the library shelf. It is way more complex and entangled than the non-educated person can handle. And I am not speaking about Wednesday night Bible study groups in the Baptist church down the street.

        Dr. Enns’s book pulls the Bible apart and helps the reader understand how it was put together as well as how to interpret the passages in a non-literal sense.

        When persons less skilled than Dr. Enns attempt to use Bible passages to make some point, the audience is disserved and frequently fooled.

        The consequences of this were suggested in my original comment.

        • newenglandsun

          Dude…you picked the wrong thread to be serious on.

  • I had enough money for one book about reading the Bible, and chose God’s Word in Human Words by Kenton Sparks. It was very good, except that he contradicts everything he just said when he comes down on the side of male headship in marriage. Now I wish I’d gotten this book instead!

  • Steve McKinzie

    This is a wonderfully creative post. Well done!! So good to see a bit of humor on a rather serious topic. Nevertheless, you should know I won’t buy your witty and provocative book, Professor Enns. With all due respect, Augustine, Calvin, and Warfield are still my heroes and I rather fancy I’d find your scholarship questionable and your conclusions unwarranted.