Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear the Pastor Say on Easter Sunday

10. Please rise for our first hymn, “Christ the Lord Is Risen Today” by Chris Tomlin.

9. Pardon the scratching, but I’ve got this terrible, oozing skin condition.

8. Instead of a traditional Easter message, I’m continuing our topical sermon series, “Prostitutes of the Old Testament.”

7. Due to allergies in the choir we’ve replaced the Easter lilies with Easter Portuguese Water Dogs.

6. This resurrection is brought to you by HelloFresh.

5. Please give a warm welcome to our guest preacher, Joel Osteen.

4. I have never touched another woman’s stomach other than my wife. Why in the world would I touch Vonda Dyer’s stomach?

3. You’ll forget about that 95-rank, world class pipe organ when you hear our rockin’ new contemporary worship cover band made up of some barefoot guys I just met.

2. Hope you didn’t leave the ham in the oven, cuz we’re gonna be here a while!

1. Chris is risen! He is risen indeed!