13 More Things You Don’t Want To Hear the Pastor Say on Easter Sunday

13. I tell you what, our jesusy cover band is making Easter great again!

12. How about that, folks? Risen savior, $1.98 piano.

11. You officially suck as a human being.

10. We’ve misplaced our offering plates, so we’ll be passing KFC buckets.

9. Does this alb make my chasuble look fat?

8. Because we want to be seeker-sensitive for all of you who don’t regularly join us, I will now do a dramatic reading of the classic children’s book, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

7. Here to read my sermon this morning, please welcome Fran Drescher.

6. My name is John Daker.

5. We’ve decided to turn off the air conditioning until God resurrects our finances.

4. The ushers have already locked the doors.

3. Up from the gravy, a rose.

2. By show of hands, who thinks I’m not wearing pants under this robe.

1 . It’s Sunday, but Tuesday’s coming.