Hope For Those Hurt By Church By Kathy Escobar

There’s no question, Post-Traumatic Church Syndrome is Real, with a capital R. Most everyone reading here knows it; we either have experienced it ourselves or know someone who’s in the midst of trying to deal with a severe church allergy that developed for all different reasons. Sometimes things come apart from a bad church or ministry experience with leadership. Other times we just begin to feel restless, tired, and disconnected from all-things church after many years of being faithful followers. Or maybe our faith begins to unravel when everything we used to believe comes apart and we have no idea what’s really left anymore.

It looks different for all of us, but one of the hardest parts about Post-Traumatic Church Syndrome is the loneliness and stuck-ness we feel.

Often, people around us are doing just “fine” while we are a hot mess inside and sometimes on the outside, too. Friends and family members sometimes begin to panic about our floundering faith and start handing us books and scripture verses and CDs to listen to that might help. The world of church and faith keeps spinning around for so many others while ours is falling apart.

The loneliness and the stuck-ness can become exhausting.

Is there a path toward healing? Are there others who are wrestling with the same things and are trying to find their way forward, too?

My friend and therapist/life coach, Phyllis Mathis and I created Walking Wounded: Hope for Those Hurt By Church as a way to provide a safe, honest, intentional space to find some hope and healing from church and ministry pain.

While our pain might come from different sources, it’s been our experience that there seem to be several primary feelings associated with healing from church and ministry woundedness: sadness, anger, confusion, fear, and shame.

Sadness, anger, confusion, fear, and shame.

Feel any of those?

Oh, they are so familiar to me personally and are all feelings that I love to try to avoid but can’t seem to!

They also come up in almost every conversation I have with someone healing from church and ministry pain.

The sadness that comes from loss is deep. Loss of beliefs, the comfort of being part of a church community, friendships and relationships all are huge parts of the story. When we lose these things, we often lose our identity, too. Who are we apart from church or ministry leadership or all we have known as Christians?

Underneath the sadness is often a whole lot of anger. Anger is a really confusing emotion for most of us, especially if we have never had a healthy version modeled to us or were taught not to “let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). Part of grief is letting ourselves be mad — mad at God, mad at others, mad at ourselves. And even though anger is hard for me, I keep learning that it is one of the most healthy (and difficult) emotions we can engage with as part of healing from church and ministry pain.

Confusion and fear also so prevalent for many of us. Where is God in all of this? Did we bring this on ourselves? Are we just being disobedient? Will I ever feel a part of something again? Were all those years wasted? What’s next?

And then there’s the brutal reality of shame. Shame is the thread that seems to be weaved throughout the realities of our sadness, anger, confusion and fear. Guilt and shame is so paralyzing for so many of us and we hear a voice in our head that tells us that we are weak, being deceived, or not worthy of anything good. Shame has a way of piling up, and part of the healing process is acknowledging its hold on us.

Walking Wounded: Hope for Those Hurt by Church is not for the faint-hearted or those who are satisfied enough in their churches or ministries and faith.

It’s for men and women who are tired, stuck, lonely, confused, mad, afraid, and longing to process some of the grief that comes from painful church and ministry experiences.

Whether you were ever a pastor or leader doesn’t matter. Whether you are young or old doesn’t matter. What denomination you were raised in doesn’t matter. Where you live in the world doesn’t matter. Whether you still attend church now or haven’t in a long time doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that you want to move forward with other people who are feeling sadness, anger, confusion, fear, and shame, too.

You’re not crazy, and you’re not alone.

We’d love to have you be part!

Join Kathy Escobar, Phyllis Mathis, Teresa Pasquale, and Holly Roach for a FREE preview conversation live online tonight (Wednesday, May 20) at 9pm ET!

Kathy co-pastors the refuge, an eclectic beautiful faith community in north denver. She is most passionate about community, the marginalized, healing, spiritual transformation, equality, justice, “church”, relationships, diversity, and learning to love and be loved.