Rebecca Florence Miller
What is something you wish Christians understood better about you?
Neil: I wish more Christians could accept that I’m not as different from them as they seem to believe. I don’t feel that I’m lacking something inside of myself, I don’t feel hollow, hopeless, or joyless, and I really do wake up each day with purpose and meaning to my life. I have a moral compass that performs at least as reliably as theirs, and it matters far less to me that they agree with me how I got this than it does that they acknowledge it is there and is working just fine. I wish they could accept that as a former Christian I’ve already been exposed to most of the same things to which they’ve been exposed, so there’s no need to preach to me or recite Bible verses because I can rattle them off as well as they can. The words aren’t magic, or at least they aren’t for me, and as I often say, they don’t work like a Jedi mind trick. I would much prefer a normal conversation and a relationship free from proselytizing. I can tell when I’m being seen as “a prospect.”
JT: Myself and almost every other atheist: if ever there was real governmental persecution of Christians, like in many Islamic countries or with the Church of England before colonization, we’d be up in arms right beside you. People must be free to believe as they choose and espouse those views (this doesn’t mean they get to dictate laws based on those views if they’re bad for society, of course). We want to change people’s minds by talking to them, never by any other means. And not only that, we want to convince people when they have full command of their faculties, so if somebody’s in a position of desperation (if they’re hungry, homeless, sick, dying, etc.) our goal is to first help, then wait until they can make a decision with the fullness of their reason.
Have you ever experienced discrimination or poor treatment by society because of your atheism?
Neil: When I was teaching history, a principal once put restrictions on which topics I could cover in class because my students found out I am an atheist and told her (at the time I was still closeted). In the middle of the semester she moved me to a Math class and then at the end of the year declined to renew my contract without giving me any reasons for doing so. That was the final impetus that inspired me to begin writing again, and since that time the only teaching post I have been able to secure is in a troubled school district. Despite my credentials, experience, and multiple certifications, I cannot seem to find a better teaching position, and as a result I am looking to change careers. Finding a job as an “out” atheist in Mississippi is tremendously difficult.
JT: Oh yes. A few years back I threw a party to celebrate my tenth death threat. Just a couple weeks ago I was speaking at the American Atheist Convention in Memphis. Just for wearing my atheist t-shirt and walking around I was called an idiot by one elderly gentleman and his family. The following night a couple of women looked at my group and shouted “We’re Christians!” in a tone that suggested our very presence was offensive to them. Give that a think if you’re the type who’s never had a negative word said to you about while wearing the symbol of your religion.
How could Christians be better friends to you? Do you have any Christian friends? If so, what kinds of practices help to make your relationship with them stronger?
Neil: Most of my original friends were evangelicals, and those relationships fizzled after I deconverted because their lives revolve around their faith and their church. We seem to have little to talk about, and I suspect I make many of them uncomfortable. A greater percentage of my Christian friends now are more progressive/liberal because we seem to have very similar outlooks on life, politics, and social issues. I do have one newly acquired friend among my coworkers who is a fundamentalist but who clearly enjoys challenging his own thinking about things. I find it easy to befriend men and women who enjoy hashing through differences in a respectful, intellectual manner. Nerds of a feather, as I like to say.
The most important thing that any of my Christian friends and family can do is learn to respect my personal boundaries. I’ve noticed that dogma can blind people to personal boundaries, and that puts a strain on these relationships. I understand that concern for eternity and souls and such drive people to extremes, but those of us who don’t see life the same way need to feel like we are respected as fully intact human beings (not simply charity cases or targets for conversion) and accepted for who we are. I can tell when someone is trying to change me, and I don’t respond well to that because it took me years to decide that parts of me that I was told are broken are actually fine the way they are. If I feel the other person can’t accept that, I’m not going to be as comfortable around them as I am around someone who truly accepts me for who I am and doesn’t feel the need to “fix” me.
JT: I was a groomsman for my friend Rich who was, in turn, a groomsman at my wedding. He’s a music minister for a living. Our friendship is made possible because we’re both compassionate people who realize that any talk about religion, and any disagreements we have, is a matter of respect: we respect the other enough to believe they want to hear why they might be wrong and we assume they have the fortitude to withstand criticism over what they believe without taking it as a slight on their character.
I’m friends with people who have a great deal of empathy. I think that’s what makes a good person. If you’re a Christian who fits that bill, awesome.
As for how Christians could be better friends, police your own. If I point out that a Christian organization is doing something cruel, it’s easy for them to write me off. It’s more difficult for them to write off other Christians. Go to bat for atheists and others who are sometimes mistreated due to people thinking god, for some reason, demands prejudice rather than love.
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