Whose Idea of a Sick Joke Is This?

For the last three days, I’ve gotten emails from a group called “Over forty and single” wanting me to join their dating service. I have no idea how they found me, but I have a few things to point out:
1. Married, not interested in dating since I have a seriously hot husband, thank you very much
2. Even if I was single, I don’t know that I would want to use an internet dating service. If you do, good for you. It just doesn’t sound like my cup of tea.

and the most important..

3. I’M NOT OVER FORTY!!!!!!!

I know that I will be some day, but today is not that day. I’m only 33! 33!!!! for goodness sakes. That’s a long way to forty. Why, it’s barely out of my twenties. Almost girlish really. Don’t you think? I mean, do I look forty to you?

Wait. Don’t answer that. I know that I have a few gray hairs, and that the crows feet..I mean LAUGH LINES are starting to show up. But you really need to meet me in person. I have a very youthful air about me. Almost a glow really.

People would pay good money to have such a glow. In fact, I think they do pay good money..to someone else. But really, I don’t seem a day over..say 33. Really. I don’t.

Do I? Hang on a second while I go look in the mirror in the kids’ bathroom. You know, the one with the good light that I usually avoid because….well, who are you to judge my motives? I’ll be right back.

Sing a little song and amuse yourself until I return.

Are you humming? Is it something cool, or is it some hair band from the 80s? Keep singing, I’m coming right back.

Ack! I’ve got to go. Natural sunlight should be outlawed in favor of mood lighting and candles. Yes, candles would be lovely. I need some lotion, and hair dye, and mustache cream…I have friends, really, why don’t they TELL me these things? They could say “You need a box of hair dye and to kill that old lady thing that’s happening on your upper lip.” I would hurt them, but I would appreciate the honesty.