Family: The Other “F” Word That Sparks Either Joy or Terror

Family. One simple word, and a common word at that, but one “f” word that can stir a boatload of emotions for many. For some, when they think of their mom, dad, siblings, and so on, they have warm fuzzies (a good “f” word). They think of playing Monopoly in front of the fireplace while sipping their favorite beverage and eating popcorn. However, for others, even the whisper of family evokes anything from troubling thoughts to outright terror. Sadly, I believe the latter group is probably more extensive than most realize.

Terence T. Gorski, author of Getting Love Right: Learning the Choices of Healthy Intimacy, wrote, “More people come from dysfunctional families than healthy families. It is estimated that approximately 70 to 80 percent come from dysfunctional families.”

According to Psych Central, families can be dysfunctional for several reasons. It can sometimes be because one or both parents live with an addiction, a mental health condition, or a personality disorder (such as narcissistic personality disorder). These issues and probably dozens of other reasons contribute to why many stress out at the thought of family.

Maybe you have a normal family…

Perhaps your family gatherings are filled with laughter, joy, and peace. You might be counting down the days until your next birthday gathering or your family Christmas celebration with great expectation. If so, I’m happy for you. If not, welcome to the my-family-drives-me-crazy club, where surviving family gatherings can be tough.

One of my favorite TV programs is Blue Bloods. It’s a cop show about a New York City Police family. Every Sunday, Grandpa and Dad (Tom Selleck) sit around a beautiful table with the entire family. The food is perfect, and no one ever misses the meal.

Occasionally, the conversation gets a bit heated, but it always ends well. Nobody gets up from the table and storms away in disgust. The young wait with bated breath to hear the sage wisdom of their elders. Even when they disagree, they do so with relative civility.

Wouldn’t that be nice? But it’s not very true to life for most of us.

• Trying to schedule a regular family dinner is nearly impossible in our busy world.
• When most families get together, it’s more like controlled chaos than contemplative conversation.
• Teenagers typically have little respect for the elderly, and the elderly are often baffled by the generations after them.

We may have come from the same genetic pool, but we frequently have incredibly different views about everything from religion to politics (e.g., I have both MAGAites and Trump-haters in my clan). The reality of our differences often lends itself to a lot of tension and conflict.

Family Survival 101 should be a prerequisite for high school or college graduation. And I’m not kidding. Nevertheless, what can you do to survive your family situation? With the holidays just around the corner, perhaps it would be wise to consider how to thrive instead of just survive the Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings.

Here are five things that will help:

1. Accept your differences and adjust your expectations. At the heart of almost all conflict is an unmet expectation, especially when it comes to family. Different isn’t always bad. Certainly, there are core biblical values that should matter to everyone (like honesty and humility), but just because grandma doesn’t have any body piercings or tattoos doesn’t mean she has the right to hold her grandchildren to the same standard. Conflict will be significantly reduced if you lower your expectations to only what matters absolutely to God.
2. Focus on what you have in common. Blood truly is thicker than water. Family is always important. I understand the dysfunctionality of some families and how easy it is to value friends over relatives. However, God takes the family bond very seriously, and so should you. Frankly, friends will come and go, but you’re stuck with family, so find something (anything) positive that you can emphasize and celebrate.
3. Endeavor to understand more than to be understood. Listening is a lost art in our culture. Everybody has something to say, and most of us work harder at being heard than hearing others. You will be surprised at how your relationships with your family are vastly improved when you do your best to be a great listener. “Be quick to listen and slow to speak.”
4. Remember that it’s always more important to be relational than right. Yes, I’ve written this before. Yes, I will write it again. How “right” you might be doesn’t matter if you bulldoze someone emotionally from a position of your supposed superiority. Okay, so your daughter is a liberal Democrat, or your son is a redneck Republican. Don’t destroy your relationship over something as temporary as politics. Do whatever it takes to seek peace and to pursue unity.
5. Forgive as you have been (and would like to be) forgiven. Forgiveness is the glue that holds families together. When you wound a parent, sibling, or child (and you will), practicing a lifestyle of walking in forgiveness is imperative. When family members hurt you (and they will), your forgiveness is crucial to your health and the offender’s well-being. The bad news is that humans hurt each other regularly. The good news is that God put you in your family to help you mature and teach you how to walk in forgiveness.

What not to do…

Rejection is never the best method of overcoming your family’s struggles. Unless you are at legitimate risk of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, it is not okay to sever your relationship with a family member, regardless of the extent of your personality struggles or disappointments.

Work hard to love your crazy Uncle Bob or your maniacal sister, Brenda. Do your best to embrace both the normal and the not-so-normal in your family.

Why?

Because they’re family and because someday you might be the whacky one needing unconditional love and acceptance. If that’s not a good enough reason, do it because Jesus commanded you to do so.

If you are a Christ-follower, loving others is never optional. Even our enemies are to experience kindness, grace, and mercy from us. (I wrote more about this in another article.)

Bottom line: there’s no wiggle room when it comes to loving, accepting, and forgiving family. None. Sure, you might save some money on Christmas gifts by having a blowout at Thanksgiving, but that’s not the way of Christ. The Apostle Paul wrote, “Do everything in love.” And Peter reminded us that “love covers a multitude of sins.”

There is nothing easy about family, and sometimes it is brutal, but I am convinced God planned it that way to mold us into the image of His Son and teach us how to love.

Happy Holidays!

Please leave a comment below, and let’s engage in a conversation.

You can find out more about Kurt Bubna and his writing on Twitter and Facebook. You can read more about his views and insights, both in his books and on his website.