The Donald Made Them Do It

I’ve long nicknamed the GOP, God’s Official Party. But lately, the Republican Party has seemed to have gone to the Devil.

Is it a coincidence that the Republican frontrunner has such poufy orange hair? Could it be that Donald Trump’s infamous ‘do is concealing something other than a balding pate?

Consider the evidence.

Ted Cruz, son of an evangelical preacher, loses the evangelical vote handily to a potty-mouthed, thrice-divorced casino magnet in the South Carolina primary. Like Iron Eyes Cody weeping at the sight of litter in that Keep America Beautiful ad, Cruz chokes up at the plight of downtrodden fundamentalists being forced to do their jobs by providing marriage licenses to gay couples. What is coming to this world when the man responsible for shutting down the government to end Obamacare is the voice of reason on torture? I know that evangelicals like to talk about loving sinners, but aren’t they also supposed to hate the sin?

What other explanation could there be for the full-throated support of Jerry Falwell Jr, head of that bastion of fundamentalist learning and reason, Liberty University? “Two Corinthians, 3:17, that’s the whole ballgame…isn’t that the one you like?”

Yup, Trump is one of them, alright.

And what else could explain the abject failure of Jeb Bush, scion of the holy trinity of the Republican establishment? When Jeb withdrew from the race, he spoke of having a servant’s heart. Eat your heart out, Bushes!

How else can you account for the snuffing out of Ben Carson’s evangelistic flame? Okay, flicker. You mean you need oxygen to feed a flame? Oh, never mind.

Or what about Marco Rubio, who was anointed the savior of the Republican Party in a Time cover story? He felt he needed to correct the record by stating in debate,

Well, let me be clear about one thing. There’s only one savior and it’s not me. It’s Jesus Christ who came down to Earth and died for our sins, and so I’ve always made that clear about that cover story.

The Republican electorate agreed.

And when, in a later debate, the Donald made a handy refutation of sizable Rubio insinuation, a new precedent was set for primary debates. Who knew they could be NSFW? Alas, now that Rubio has suspended his campaign, we’ll never get a chance to see them whip it out.

Donald has trumped every extremist in his path. Could anyone else have redefined Santorum’s sanctimony? And what kind of world is it when appearing next to Kim Davis doesn’t boost your electability? Why couldn’t Pastor Mike huck a bee under the bonnet of the Religious Right this time?

What could possibly account for the rampant hatred and violence at Trump’s rallies? Could anything else have primed the Republican electorate to believe that Mexico was sending hordes of rapists and murders in the guise of people just trying to support their dirt-poor families? Why else could the Republican leadership’s plan to reach out to minorities have failed so miserably, after years of racial fearmongering, running from the Civil Rights era through welfare queens, Willie Horton, and self-deportation?

Why, why, why?

The Republican establishment feels like it’s in purgatory. With Trump as their nominee, there will be only one place to go from there.