Not Tonight, Honey, I Feel Fat

Not Tonight, Honey, I Feel Fat November 3, 2017

body image from ruining your intimate life
Have you ever said, “Not tonight. I’m tired” when you really meant, “Not tonight. I feel fat?” Is a negative body image ruining your sex life?

Studies show half of women avoid being intimate because they’re uncomfortable with the shape of their bodies. Nothing can kill the mood faster than negative body image. Sex is one of the most important aspects of marriage. But if you struggle with body shame, achieving sexual intimacy’s gonna be a problem.

You’ve come to the right place.

I’ve battled with body shame. And, I’ve won some, but the fight’s not over. Have you ever felt like:

  • You’re not thin enough.
  • Your thighs are too fat.
  • You’ve got stretch marks.
  • Your C-section scar is ugly.
  • Your breasts are saggy.
  • You’ve got love handles.
  • Your arms are flabby.
  • You’ll never have the body you dream of.
  • You have a running commentary going on in your head about your body during love making.

No matter what the scale said or what my husband said, I felt unattractive. I’d dash into bed at night under the cloak of darkness.

From the model in the mall window to the mom on Main Street, everyone has some level of insecurity with their body image. We live in a society obsessed with body image.

But we don’t have to be. How do we convince ourselves otherwise?

I wish I had a magic bullet. I don’t. But what I do have is assurance in God’s word. He says I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. He says the same about you. I guess my only solution is (to borrow Nike’s slogan) “Just do it.”

While we fight with body image, men are visual. They want to look at our bodies, especially during love making.

He loves your body, saggy breasts and all. When he touches your love handles while you’re making love, he’s not going to say, “Yuck, what’s this?” He sees his woman, and he wants to enjoy you.

When you deny him because of your own body issues, it’s like you’ve given him a gift but you won’t let him unwrap it and see what’s inside. We let our messed up image of “sexy,” prevent us from feeling sexy. And, if you don’t think you’re sexy, you won’t feel sexy.

So how can you get comfortable with your body and enjoy love making? You can do stuff to put yourself “in the zone” before the end of the day.

  1. Start preparing yourself early in the day.
  2. Text your husband a flirty note or pic or text him things he does that turn you on.
  3. Buy a piece of lingerie that makes you feel good.
  4. If you’re uncomfortable making love with the lights on, light a candle or leave the TV on and mute it. Then you’ll be a sexy silhouette.
  5. Keep your favorite picture of him handy.
  6. Take a bubble bath.
  7. Play your favorite love songs.
  8. If you drink alcohol, have a glass of wine to help you relax.
  9. Make love even when you don’t feel like it. Studies show frequent sex improves mood and reduces depression.

The more sexually confident you are, the more confident you’ll feel overall. Stop the negative commentary running in your head. Hop into bed with your sexy self and have fun.

What do you do to make make yourself feel sexy?

Need skills to build intimacy?

  1. Get on the waitlist for my next group coaching session–Change Your Mind; Change Your Marriage.
  2. Visit my website,  like my Facebook page and  join my private Facebook group.
  3. Check out my FREE resources and download  How to Be A Wife No Man Will Ever Want to Leave.
  4. Apply for private coaching with Sheila.

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Also known as the Not So Excellent Wife, Sheila Qualls understands how tiring a tough marriage can be. 

She went from the brink of divorce to having a thriving marriage by translating timeless truths into practical skills. She’s helped women just like you turn their men into the husbands they want.

After 33 years of marriage, she’s a  coach  and a speaker whose passion is to equip women to break relationship-stifling habits and do marriage God’s way. And you don’t have to be a doormat to do it.

She and her husband Kendall live in Minnesota with their five children and their Black Lab, Largo.

In addition to coaching, Sheila is a member of the MOPS Speaker Network.  Her work has been featured on the MOPS Blog, The Upper Room, Grown and Flown, Scary Mommy, Beliefnet, Candidly Christian,, The Mighty and on various other sites on the Internet.

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33 responses to “Not Tonight, Honey, I Feel Fat”

  1. I know many women whose husbands have said they are fat and unattractive. For them, it’s not a matter of being confident if the man expects to be married to someone that he has seen during porn. Women would be more confident sexually if their husbands spoke like the Song of Solomon. Over and over he says, “You are beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you.” I don’t know any man who truly believes that his wife has no physical flaws, but Scripture instructs men to actually believe this about their wives. In other words, I believe this is a problem with the men’s outlook, not the women.

  2. Excellent post, and good tips! This is an area Satan’s whispers work too often. Than you for the reminder to prepare ahead in several ways.

  3. Song of Solomon is beautiful. The problem you speak of is real, Susan. And, it’s a tough situation. A marriage can’t stay healthy when it is being infected by porn or any other unrealistic expectation. A woman can feel confident in herself regardless of what her husband says by choosing to believe what God says about her: You are fearfully and wonderfully, made no matter what anyone else says.

  4. Too often women focus on needing to be the “perfect” woman in all aspects but they forget that their husband chose them! Often, the most sexy quality about a woman to a man is confidence! Thank you for the tips!

  5. Yes! I’ve gone as so far to think about a tummy tuck to get rid of this skin and fat from 5 pregnancies. My hubby says I’m beautiful, but I can’t grasp that and believe it.
    I do believe Satan likes me to feel this way because it inhibits connection and intimacy with my husband.
    Thank you for this great post!
    Visiting from #InspireMeMondays

  6. Great post, Sheila! Thank you for linking up at #InspireMeMonday :). I think that healthy is sexy–so if I don’t listen to all the negatives, and try to keep myself healthy, that’s more imortant than looking like a muscle magazaine model (or any model, for that matter ;)).

  7. Sheila, how did you know??? I have such terrible messages bobbing around my head about my body image. They have been floating in and out since I was a teen and now I am 70. Your words touch me deeply. I so want to believe that my husband loves me the way I am because God gave this precious husband to me and God made me. Yes, He also brought me here today. Praising Him for you, Sheila. I so appreciate your openness and honesty here.
    Caring through Christ, ~ linda

  8. I really believe that both men and women suffer from these insecurities because my husband has mentioned things about himself that he doesn’t like also. So really, it is replacing all the lies of what the world says we are and aren’t, and believing God’s word that we are fearfully and wonderfully created by Him. It’s a constant battle to appreciate and praise ourselves, but hopefully one that comes easier as we continue to remind ourselves and practice it. Thanks for providing tips on this! I agree that intimacy needs to be intentional, sometimes even taking all day to prepare for, but the effort is worth it because it reconnects you to your soulmate:)

  9. I just love this!! I have to say that I am blessed with a husband that tells me all day every day how beautiful I am, but I am not going to lie and say that the devil does not try his best to tell me different. As women, we tend to tear ourselves apart in the mirror, but we need to remember that we are all beautiful and made perfectly imperfect! Our husbands want us to have confidence when we are with them and especially in the bedroom. I love all of your tips and I am a firm believer that there is no reason to ever turn your hubby down or make an excuse not to have sex. Sex is a beautiful holy act made for married couples. If you do not meet each other’s needs, that could open the door for porn and other things into your marriage…

  10. Linda,
    Those messages are so pervasive. And, they do start when we are so young. We see all our flaws and wonder how our husbands can’t see them, too. But, we are beautiful in their eyes. Thank you for sharing so openly.

  11. I loved this so much. There is so much truth here. One thing I’ve learned is that I can’t change my husband but I can change myself. That has made all the difference. I can be the one who prepares herself like a bride for him because I love him. It has made a world of difference. *wink*

  12. super post – not everyone would write on this and you did a beautiful job! I love Alice’s comment above! Ha and so true.

  13. If we’d just get out of our own heads! I think it’s no greater turn on that my husband is still excited by me – after all these years; that’s what I choose to believe over anything else.

  14. Thanks Sheila for reminding me/us of what we may feel like at times also thanks for the reminder that it’s up to us to make a change of how we feel and do something about it, it would be nice to have a perfect body but I guess we can’t have everything.

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