Why Being Married to More Than 1 Man Will Make You a Better Wife

Why Being Married to More Than 1 Man Will Make You a Better Wife July 4, 2018

how to stay marriedNo woman can stay married to the same man her whole life. I’ve been married to three.  I’m a much better wife to my current husband. And he’s a far better husband than my first two. Did I love my first two husbands? Absolutely, but I’m glad I didn’t settle for them.

Let me explain. I’ve been married once. But in one marriage, I’ve been married to three different men. People offer lots of marriage advice, but most leave out one piece of information that’s key to staying married. No one tells you your husband will change.

No one says, “You think you’re in love right now, but just wait. In a few months, you’ll wonder what you ever liked about this guy. But, hang in there, girl. He’ll grow up, and you will, too. Money won’t always be tight. He won’t always play video games all weekend long. He won’t always spend long hours at work.”

Maybe you’re in a tough season of marriage right now. Are you frustrated? Tired? Lonely? Maybe it feels too hard and you’re wondering if you should even stay. No matter where you are in your marriage right now, it’ll change. Your husband will change. So will you. And sticking it out will make you a better wife in the long run.

I Was Glad I Kissed Number 1 Good-bye

I got married right after college. Soon, I began to feel like I’d been duped. I quickly realized he was not the man I thought he was. He was way more selfish and inconsiderate than the guy I’d dated. I was miserable. I thought about divorce a lot. I was glad when it was finally over.

I welcomed Number 2. The father of my children. But he was worse than the first guy. I thought I knew what selfish looked like. This guy made the first one look like an angel. Kids made marriage harder, but they were also the thing that held us together. We had to learn to put our stuff aside to take care of their needs. As we trekked though parenting, I grew more unhappy. His career felt like a mistress. He spent more time at work than he did with me. I felt stuck and alone.

I knew I couldn’t last long in that relationship. I was exhausted by the end of it and ready to give up.  If he hadn’t left, I might’ve. It felt like a long time coming, but I finally found my third husband.

Thin On Top is the New Sexy

He’s a little heavier, a little thinner on top but he’s the sexiest one so far. He’s far more mature than Number 1 and works a lot less than Number 2. He listens when I talk to him. He doesn’t try to solve my problems. He lets me know he’s committed to me. Husbands 1 and 2 did some of those things, but it was hard to recognize because I was angry so much of the time.

Not only did my husband change, I did too. Sure, Number 3 does things I don’t like, but if I hadn’t been married to the other guys I wouldn’t appreciate this one.

Was it hard? Yes, but I’m glad I stuck it out. I’m glad I stayed through the weekends he spent in front of the TV playing video games. I’m glad I stayed when he appeared selfish and uncaring. I’m glad I didn’t walk out when the money was tight or when he made poor decisions. I’m glad I stayed when I was sleep deprived and he worked long hours.

I loved Number 1 and Number 2; they taught me how to love Number 3.  But as much as I love Number 3,  I know he’s not my last.

A healthy union requires falling in love with same person again and again and through every different season in your marriage. No matter what stage you’re in right now, hang in there. It’ll change. I wish someone had told me that. Maybe I would’ve looked for ways to love my husband through the difficult times instead of feeling sorry for myself and praying he’d change.

How can you love your husband in your current stage of marriage?

Need skills to build intimacy?

  1. Get on the waitlist for my next group coaching session–Change Your Mind; Change Your Marriage.
  2. Visit my website,  like my Facebook page and  join my private Facebook group.
  3. Check out my FREE resources and download  How to Be A Wife No Man Will Ever Want to Leave.
  4. Apply for private coaching with Sheila.

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Also known as the Not So Excellent Wife, Sheila Qualls understands how tiring a tough marriage can be. 

She went from the brink of divorce to having a thriving marriage by translating timeless truths into practical skills. She’s helped women just like you turn their men into the husbands they want.

After 33 years of marriage, she’s a  coach  and a speaker whose passion is to equip women to break relationship-stifling habits and do marriage God’s way. And you don’t have to be a doormat to do it.

She and her husband Kendall live in Minnesota with their five children and their Black Lab, Largo.

In addition to coaching, Sheila is a member of the MOPS Speaker Network.  Her work has been featured on the MOPS Blog, The Upper Room, Grown and Flown, Scary Mommy, Beliefnet, Candidly Christian, Crosswalk.com, The Mighty and on various other sites on the Internet.

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44 responses to “Why Being Married to More Than 1 Man Will Make You a Better Wife”

  1. Sheila, Sheila, Sheila! I loved your title and knew that since you wrote it, that it would be interesting, and it was. I’m glad God allows you to see things with such fresh perspectives.

    I have to share!

  2. Hear ye Hear Ye. We are a new body every 7 years. New cells. so my husband and I have always said if you’re having problems with your current spouse just wait, they will change. We are almost done with our 6th spouse and looking forward to our 7th (40 1/2 years). It has been fun to realize that we all change a little every day, so the spouse I was married to yesterday is not the same as the one I am married to today. So there is always something more for me to learn about this person to whom I am married.

  3. Wow! Wasn’t expecting that but you nailed it. The word of God changes people. Being committed in a marriage and growing together rather than apart, is key. Obviously, this doesn’t happen all at once where one day you go, “Oh good, husband #2 or #3 just showed up.” But I get your point and looking back after 39 years of marriage, yeah, it kind of morphs into that.

  4. Thanks, Shirley. I am thankful for all “three” of them. Number 3 is my fave so far. Well, I was crazy about #1 for a little while. Lol!!

  5. Sheila, this is so good! It’s spot on about growing together and becoming better together. I’m looking forward to sharing it all over. And I’m insisting people read the post before they comment! 🙂 Thanks for sharing it at the link party! God bless you!

  6. Thanks, Deb. And thanks for insisting people read the post before they comment. I appreciate your support. I am glad you enjoyed it.

  7. Your title really caught my attention! 🙂 Young wives really need to understand this. When we stay committed to our marriages and work through the hard times, the love we end up with is deeper and richer than we can imagine!

  8. When I saw your title and intro, I was thinking ‘Whoa! Where’s she going with this?” I’m glad I clicked.

    It really does seem like you’ve been married to different people sometimes. I’ve told my husband several times he’s not the man I married, he’s better. I love how God’s always working in us, changing us, so that who we are today looks nothing like that person 5 years ago. That’s the kind of change I can get into.

    Great post.

  9. Glad you clicked, Ashley. I agree our men do get better as time goes on (so do we). It’s change worth waiting for. Thanks.

  10. OKay I totally fell for it and was like searching for a video of you being on sister wives or something. LOL! Great thoughts ….never really thought about it that way before but yeah we and our spouses really do change that much. So glad for grace in learning and growing and becoming who God wants us to be.

  11. Great post as I hear the wisdom in your experience, some of us though, didn’t get the privilege of being with one man… We all have different paths.

    To explain this you may enjoy my post “Home Sweet Home”

    You’re most welcome to drop by for a cuppa,

  12. Sheila – thanks for linking up with #TuneInThursday .. you definitely built intrigue with your title and at first I was like – what? .. what? but then as I was reading, I thought – you go girl! You share some spot on powerful truths and wisdom from someone who has walked the road. Thanks for sharing and for being daring with your title. 🙂

  13. Lol, Debbie. You’re not the first one to go “wha…?” It can be a difficult road to walk. I hope to offer encouragement and let people know it is worth it.

  14. Marriages (and people!) definitely evolve, that is for sure! I am blessed to say that I love my husband more than I did the day I married him, and that I have been head over heels for our whole marriage. We have had difficult times and there are times we haven’t (and don’t) see eye to eye, but on the whole I’ve enjoyed all the stages in different ways. What you say is very true though, and I love how openly and honestly you have shared. I’m so glad you worked through the issues in your marriage and that you are at such a wonderful stage in it. I think this post will help a lot of people going through difficult times, and be a real encouragement. Thank you SO much for sharing it with us at the Hearth and Soul Link Party.

  15. April,
    You describe marriage (and people) beautifully. Both definitely change. I do hope to encourage women in difficult stages of marriage. It can be tough, but working it out is worth it.

  16. Oh my gosh, Sheila, this is so good, and so true! If Dawn is right about changing every 7 years, then I guess I’m welcoming husband #3. God is certainly good and He’s been working on both of us for 15 years now. With our eyes fixed on Him we can only get better.

    I’m sharing this as widely as I can. 🙂

  17. I am going through this right now, but it’s hard. I try to find ways to somewhat understand what he is going through but he is never home, and we constantly fight. I do not think we are going to survive this go round.

  18. Jeree,

    You have many followers and women who look to you for counsel and advice. I pray God would provide wisdom in your situation. The enemy wants to tarnish your reputation and give cause to your followers to give up their own fights. Marriages go through change because both parties are changing. I pray someone would come into your lives to walk through this tough season with you.

  19. Great article. I especially resonated with your previous post about being less selfish in marriage and your hair gel story. One thing people forget in marriage is that spouse often simply react to the actions, behavior and words of their spouse. If you do or say something positive or negative, your spouse is likely to respond in a similar fashion.

  20. thank you for your kind words i really do appreciate them more than you can know. Yes the fight is hard, but There is no hope in this anymore. we are filing for divorce.

  21. Jeree,

    I am so sorry to hear! Your situation sounds tough. I pray your story will be one of redemption, reconciliation and restoration because no one benefits by divorce. I pray for soften hearts and a recommitment, which is possible only through our Lord.

  22. John,

    So much to understand in marriage. We do react to one another–positively or negatively. Glad the posts resonated with you.

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