How Your ‘But’ Affects Your Sex Life

dealing with body shame Your but can interfere in your marriage because it’s a major driver in body shame.

Your but skews your body image and may cause you to withhold intimacy–not because you’re not attracted to your husband but because you’re more concerned with the way you look than with pleasing him.

But I’ve gained weight.
But I have C-Section scars.
But my body doesn’t look like it used to.
But I have saggy breasts.
But I’ve nursed five kids.
But my stretch marks look awful.
But I don’t want him to see me with the lights on.

You’ve probably figured out by now, this isn’t about your back door. This “but” affects the way you see yourself, and in turn affects your sexuality. This is the “but” in your life— that element of self-doubt or excuse–that keeps you from enjoying an intimate relationship with your husband.

You know what I’m talking about.

But what if he thinks I’m fat?.

Body image can be a huge issue for women.

A struggle with body image makes you want to cover up, but men are visual. He wants to look at your body, especially during love making. He’s not thinking about your but, at least not in this sense of the word.

Who Defines Sexy?

Self doubt and body shame become huge issues when we allow others to define sexy for us. Believe it or not at one time in history, fat was in fashion. During the Renaissance Era, obesity was considered beautiful or healthy. Weight also meant wealthy.

Somewhere along the way, we decided being super thin is sexy.

And when you allow your “but” to get in the way of sex, it has a negative impact on your marriage. Your physical appearance might be your major concern, but sex has a different meaning for your husband.

Physical intimacy to men is as important as emotional intimacy is to women.

Just as emotional intimacy communicates to women “we’re okay,” “I love you,” or “you’re important to me,” physical intimacy communicates the same to men. So when we allow our “buts” to control our sexual activity, he feels like we feel when we need emotional intimacy and he won’t give it. It hurts and leaves you feeling isolated.

Making love with you affirms him. It’s a way of connecting for him and making him feel cared for.

If your husband isn’t fulfilled sexually, he may come up with a few buts of his own.

But, I’m not being fulfilled at home.

But what’s the use of being married if I can’t enjoy my wife.

But that woman on the third floor always sits by me at lunch.

When you aren’t having sex in your marriage, you put a vacancy sign on your husband’s emotional real estate.

And when there’s a vacancy, it’s easy for someone else to move in. That’s not an excuse. It’s a reality.

When you deny him because of your own “but”–body issues– it’s like you’ve given him a gift but you won’t let him unwrap it and see what’s inside.

And it prevents you from enjoying an uninhibited, sexual relationship with your husband.

Don’t let your “but” hold you back.

Need skills to build intimacy?

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Also known as the Not So Excellent Wife, Sheila Qualls understands how tiring a tough marriage can be.

She went from the brink of divorce to having a thriving marriage by translating timeless truths into practical skills. She’s helped women just like you turn their men into the husbands they want.

After 33 years of marriage, she’s a coach and a speaker whose passion is to equip women to break relationship-stifling habits and do marriage God’s way. And you don’t have to be a doormat to do it.

She and her husband Kendall live in Minnesota with their five children and their Black Lab, Largo.

In addition to coaching, Sheila is a member of the MOPS Speaker Network. Her work has been featured on the MOPS Blog, The Upper Room, Grown and Flown, Scary Mommy, Beliefnet, Candidly Christian, Crosswalk.com, The Mighty and on various other sites on the Internet.