A Few, Simple Rules for World Breastfeeding Week

A Few, Simple Rules for World Breastfeeding Week August 3, 2015

Hey, now. I guess World Breastfeeding Week is a thing.

Here are a few simple rules to follow:

If you’re a breastfeeding mother, yay! That’s great. Enjoy hearing people say nice things for a change.

If you’re a non-breastfeeding mother, ask yourself, “Am I feeding and caring for my kid?” If the answer is, “Yes, duh, I love my baby,” then you are good to go. If you have friends who try to make you feel bad for not breastfeeding, those are not your actual friends, and you can do better. Maybe find some friends who are, you know, friendly.

If you’re a breastfeeding mother who feels the need to educate people with your consciousness-raising nipplitude at all times, maybe take a step back and remember that nursing is about feeding and taking care of your baby, and clinical studies show that elevated levels of self-righteousness can pass into your breastmilk and will make your baby grow up to be an asshole. Maybe have a glass of wine and relax. (It’s fine for the baby!)

If you’re someone who feels the need to REPORT ALL THE SKIN  as nudity even when, come on, it’s clearly not supposed to be nudity, then maybe get off social media, because geez.

breastfeeding madonna


If your coworker or employee needs to pump breastmilk during the workday, rest assured that she is not doing it for fun, because it is not fun. It is hard work, it kinda hurts, and it’s tiring. Skip the jokes, skip the raised eyebrows, skip the mooing noises, and get her a room with a door that locks.

If you’re Donald Trump and think that the only conceivable reason a woman would want to take a break is because she’s  being tricky, (even though she’s prearranged to take a medically necessary break to pump milk for her very young baby) and that if women were meant to be lawyers, they’d just take their mastitis and blocked ducts like a man, then maybe you should reconsider whether the word “human” ought to be associated with your name at all, you disgusting little

[Here the MS. breaks off and is resumed in a different hand.]

In the heat of composition I find that I have inadvertently allowed myself to assume the form of a large centipede. I am accordingly dictating the rest to my secretary. Happy world breastfeeding week.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Love the Screwtape reference. 🙂

  • Joseph Nelson

    Saint Bernard of Clairvaux, pray for us!

  • Rebecca Fuentes

    Ah Simcha, you rock.

  • Darren Jones

    I called and read this to my wife. We both laughed at the “take mastitis like a man” line.

  • Jasper

    has to attack trump. Patheos-still terrible

    • Leggy Mountbatten

      has to comment. Jasper – still hate-reading Patheos in pointless exercise that defies logic, spelling, and grammar.

  • Heidi

    “Consciousness-raising nipplitude”–love it!

  • echarles1

    My wife was a CLE (certified lactation educator) who was horrified when she could not get our own baby to latch on. She used a breast pump for awhile then we switched to formula. It caused all kinds of heart ache and there were definitely the “breast Nazis” who made her feel like dirt. I was of the “baby’s not starving so I don’t care” camp but she took the criticism hard.

  • Anna

    I love the article you link to about drinking and breastfeeding. Every time I see friends pumping and dumping, I always feel like telling them they don’t have to because the alcohol concentration in their milk will always be equal or less than the mom’s blood alcohol, so that even if they were rip-roaring drunk (probably not a good idea for someone in charge of an infant for other reasons) the alcohol the baby would ingest is still negligible. But I always figure they won’t believe me, so it’s nice to have a reference to point to.

  • stacie

    Just when I thought I couldn’t love your writing more than I already do…Screwtape!

  • Dr. Laura Grimes

    This is wonderful, Simcha, thanks so much. I am a dedicated lactivist and extended breastfeeder myself yet loathe LLL for their judgmental (if it hurts you’re doing it wrong) and sexist (no bottles from dad or grandma or a loving babysitter even if filled with pumped breastmilk) and medically inaccurate (refuse antibiotics for mastitis) that made my learning period with my first traumatic. It’s a measure of our culture’s misogyny that it is profoundly hostile to actual nursing yet still shames the majority of women it keeps from doing so.

    • Leah Joy

      Your last sentence is especially thought-provoking and I will be thinking of that point for a long time.

      • Dr. Laura Grimes

        Thanks Leah! I kept thinking about it after posting–especially the tragedy of a a male dominated culture creating this environment *and* tricking women into shaming and seeing each other as enemies rather than uniting to empower each other and lovingly challenge our brothers for more justice where appropriate. And the same pattern is true for many such issues, especially the most heartbreaking, abortion.

  • I’ve said it before and I’ll likely say it again: Simcha is my favorite. This is why.