Deep Forgiveness

It is not easy for me to forgive. Some people are harder to forgive than others.

There is one person in particular who I find it almost impossible to forgive. I have known them for a long time. I can see through their games and tricks, even when other people cannot.

I know when they are trying to manipulate me, to get me to see them in the most positive light possible. I can tell when they are hiding something from me, or not taking responsibility for something they have done.

It is a challenge for me to forgive even the little things. When this person is late, when they do not listen, when they are sloppy, when they get distracted or bored.

The ways this person has disappointed me over and over, and my reluctance to forgive them, make it harder for me to forgive other people.

Slowly, I am overcoming the challenges of forgiving myself.

I saw life in terms of success and failures. Whenever I was not spectacular, whenever I did not exceed everyone’s expectations, whenever I made a mistake, I was failing. I worked very hard to make sure I avoided failing.

I practiced not forgiving myself for a long time. I became very skilled at it.

Avoiding failure made forgiveness even more challenging. Admitting the need for forgiveness was the first step of failure.

Of course, I also understood that forgiveness has a cost. I needed to earn forgiveness, to deserve it. The cost of forgiveness was being perfect.

I began learning about forgiveness from people who forgave me, whether I deserved it or not.

Now, that is what I try to share, including with myself.

How often do you forgive yourself?

What are the parts of yourself that are most challenging to forgive?

[Image by Tony Fischer]