Leading Like a Monk: Making Friends With Our Frustrations

Making Friends With Our Frustrations

We become frustrated, particularly when we expect ourselves to do well or be perfect. For me, frustration is often linked to wanting things to work the first time I try them.

It frustrates me when I am not able to understand or do something like  “everyone else.” I feel I am falling behind and need to work harder to catch up to where I should be.

Leaders can be frustrated by people who do not seem to do what they ask them to do. We try to focus on the goals we want to accomplish and establish a sense of momentum. There is often someone who does not seem to grasp what we are saying. We are dealing with complex situations and trying to be as clear as we can be.

It is easy for us to experience lack of communication as a desire to be an obstacle.

We tend to have an adversarial relationship to what frustrates us. Frustration ignites our reaction to either fight or flee. Some of us tend to explode in the direction of their frustration. Other people try to ignore what is frustrating them and hope it will go away.

Spending time with monks has introduced me to another choice. In addition to fight or flight, we can make friends.

Fight, Flight, or Friends

There is a level of instant gratification in fighting or fleeing our frustrations.

Some of us have been raised to believe strong people do not back down from a fight. We begin to feel under attack by frustration and we want to hit back. It is not appropriate for us as leaders to allow people to take advantage of us. Frustration can feel we are being treated unfairly.

If you would simply listen to what I am saying you would understand, we feel. Our feelings of frustration grow within us. It seems obvious they are intentionally refusing to do what we ask. Why are you acting this way? we wonder. I am a good leader, so why are you making such a mess of things?

In the same way, fleeing may feed our feelings of frustration. Here I am, pushed to my limits, to the point of stepping out to take a break. I do not want to fight with you, why are you refusing to work with me? we ask.

I will not allow you to grind our process to a halt or to start a fight with me. It is helpful for me to ignore you, go somewhere else, and do something much more important so you can calm down. I am a good leader who will not let you cause even more trouble.

Fighting and fleeing share significant elements and perceptions. They can feed each other and create a vicious cycle which does not help resolve conflicts.

The Most Frustrating Leader I Know

There is a leader who frustrates me more than anyone else with whom I have ever worked. This leader often gets in the way, does not understand, and fails to see the big picture. He is only beginning to tap into his potential as a listener. It is easy for him either to get distracted or become fixated on a specific detail.

The most frustrating leader I know is me.

Part of the reason I frustrate myself is I see what I do in excruciating detail. No one knows my weaknesses and mistakes the way I do. When I expect myself to meet a high standard I am almost always frustrated.

Even the frustration I may feel toward other people is frustration with myself. If only I did not make mistakes again and again I would not cause such difficulties. Our frustration is a symptom of our own insecurities.

My frustration causes me to want to fight or flee, and I cannot flee or fight myself.

Can We Be Friends?

There is another way to respond to frustration. It is not about having lower standards or settling for less than the best I know I can do.

The people who frustrate us the most often remind us of how we frustrate ourselves. We work hard to change and refuse to accept our frustrating qualities.

We have grown accustomed to fighting or fleeing the parts of ourselves we find frustrating. Rather than trying to annihilate or ignore aspects of ourselves, or other people, we could be friendly.

When people intimidate me, it is often most helpful to treat them as friends. Even if our relationship is not completely transformed it often becomes more pleasant.

We treat our friends very differently from how we treat what frustrates us. Even though our friends are not perfect we treat them with respect. We listen to our friends more. There are ways we try to understand and make room for our friends. We may give them the benefit of the doubt.

When our friends need some peace and quiet, we find ways to give it to them without fleeing. If our friends need to be corrected, we help them without starting to fight.

We accept our friends are not perfect and still try to help them be their best selves. Our friendship means we can be honest with each other and still be friends.

Monastic Friendship

Some of the monks I know are hermits who practice silence. Even in their stillness they offer friendship.

When frustrations happen in monastic life, and they do, fighting and fleeing are not options. People in a monastic community have taken oaths which prohibit, or at least discourage those behaviors.

The rhythm of monastic life is intended to create a culture of friendship to frustrations.

As we reflect and become more acquainted with our true selves we accept who we are. It is possible to appreciate we are not perfect and probably will not be for a long time.

We have the choice to fight, or flee, or be friendly.

Questions

Who is the most frustrating leader you know?

How will you make friends with your frustrations this week?

[Image by Peter Alfred Hess]

Greg Richardson is a spiritual life mentor and leadership coach in Southern California. He is a recovering attorney and university professor, and a lay Oblate with New Camaldoli Hermitage near Big Sur, California. Greg’s website is StrategicMonk.com, and his email address is [email protected].