Dear Terry,
My husband Jonathan and I are going through a dry patch in terms of our passion for each other. We haven’t had sex in over two months and I don’t know what to do. I still find him attractive but we’re both tired from working two jobs and taking care of our two young children.
We live far away from both sets of grandparents so we have to hire a babysitter if we want to be alone or go out for a date. Since we have a tight budget, we don’t go out alone much. Do you have any ideas about ways we can fall in love again even though we don’t have much time alone or money for a night out or weekend away?
I’ve been reading your column and agree that intimacy is important but when Jonathan touches me, I just don’t feel the connection that I used to. Is there something seriously wrong with me or us?
Please help me save my marriage!
Best,
Karen
Dear Karen,
Many couples complain that they have lost the passion in their marriage. With the demands of work, parenting, and household chores, it can be a challenge to keep sexual and emotional intimacy alive.
While it’s not unusual for intimacy to die down after children arrive on the scene, if you make your relationship a priority, it doesn’t have to take a nose dive. It’s possible to spend quality time with your children and regain passion for each other.
Keeping emotional love alive in marriage, according to relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman, makes life more enjoyable. How do you restore the spark that once existed with our spouse? Many experts believe physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Chapman writes: “Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.”
In many cases, physical touch that is non-sexual can spark passion even when it doesn’t lead to sexual intimacy. Once you discover that physical tough is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination on ways to express love.
5 Tips to Rev Up Sexual and Emotional Intimacy and Fall in Love Again:
- Change your pattern of relating sexually and emotionally. This includes ways you might be denying your partner or coming on too strong. Be receptive to their suggestions for intimacy. If you are too distracted or tired to have sex, suggest a brief massage or cuddling instead.
- Avoid criticizing each other and stop the “blame game.” Mix things up to end the power struggle. For example, distancers may want to practice initiating sex more often and pursuers try to find ways to tell their partner “you’re sexy,” in subtle ways while avoiding critique and demands for closeness.
- Increase physical affection and restore positive emotions. Physical contact releases feel good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that’s released during sexual orgasm and affectionate touch as well.
- Experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to your partner. Vary the location where you are sexually intimate and the kind of sex you have (gentle, loving-tender sex; intimate sex, highly erotic sex, etc.).
- Make sex a priority and set the mood for intimacy by keeping things light. Avoid talking about problems, household chores, and raising children because sexual arousal plummets when we’re distracted by tasks.
The good news is that there are some fairly simple things you can do to restore the spark that you once had. It’s not necessary to go out on a date or weekend away to ignite passion. Try giving each other a six-second kiss before you leave in the morning and add some cuddling to your nightly routine. Your children will benefit from watching you be more affectionate with each other and you and your partner will reconnect emotionally and sexually over time.
Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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