Trust is an essential element of any intimate relationship. As a result of feeling mistrustful, you may believe that your partner no longer has your best interests at heart. In other words, you have stopped giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt and you have lost faith in his or her intentions. Honestly, you can’t love someone or be close to them emotionally if trust is destroyed.
One of the biggest problems with ongoing resentment in a marriage is that it often leads to mistrust, withdrawal, and a lack of vulnerability between partners. And if you’re bottling up feelings of anger, sadness, or disappointment this can lead to resentment over time.
Truth be told, if you hold resentment toward your partner, you’ll probably feel less warmth, affection, fondness, and admiration for him/her. However, forgiveness can allow you to move on with your life and to embrace love, trust, and intimacy, in most but not all cases.
Elizabeth, 45, had been married to Brian, 47, for several years when she found a few letters from his former girlfriend, Karen, in his dresser drawer. The dates stamped on the envelopes were recent and she was furious.
Elizabeth reflects, “I wasn’t looking for trouble but it presented itself to me and our marriage went downhill after that. I was so angry, jealous and mistrustful of Brian that I shut him out and didn’t believe him when he told me they were just friends and Karen needs a shoulder to lean on during her divorce.”
Don’t Let Resentment in Marriage Boil over
If you’d like to rebuild trust in your partner, I would take an inventory and determine whether or not there have been other occasions when you’ve had reason to mistrust him or her. Ask yourself: Is it possible that he or she simply made an error in judgment by their actions? Were their behaviors intentionally hurtful? Or, is it possible that your partner felt he or she couldn’t be completely open and honest with you because you’ve expressed jealousy in the past and they feared losing you?
For instance, Elizabeth might ask herself: Is Brian’s secrecy about his recent contacts with his former girlfriend, Karen, a pattern or did he simply use poor judgment in neglecting to inform Elizabeth of his recent communication with her?
Finally, do you believe it’s possible to rebuild trust and let go of resentment toward your partner? Are you willing to forgive him or her? Most experts believe that letting go of resentment toward someone is as much for the person who feels injured as the person who is causing the pain or breach of trust. These tips can help you let go of resentment if you decide to give your spouse a chance to regain your trust and forgive them.
6 Ways to Prevent Resentment from Ruining Your Relationship
- Acknowledge your feelings and practice being open and honest in small steps so you can build confidence in being more vulnerable with your partner. Discussing minor concerns (schedules, meals) is a great place to start before tackling bigger matters such as intimacy issues.
- Communicate about key issues in your relationship and don’t keep secrets. Be sure to be forthcoming about both of your past relationships, and concerns about present ones.
- Take responsibility for your part in the conflict or dispute. If you focus on your part in an argument and stop pointing your finger at your partner, you’ll maintain a closer emotional connection with them and not spark as much defensiveness.
- Apologize to your partner when appropriate and grant them forgiveness. This will validate their feelings, promote healing, and allow you both to move on. Be specific and start with taking responsibility rather than trying to justify your behavior. For example, saying “I am sorry that I lost faith in you when I found your letters from Karen, “I’m ready to listen to your explanation.” This is more effective than, “You shouldn’t have kept the letters secret from me.”
- Don’t allow wounds to fester. Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about holding on to hurt feelings. When you listen to your partner’s side of the story, you will gain information about their intentions and feelings. Processing what happened briefly will allow you to let resentments go so you can move on to a healthier relationship.
- Accept that people do the best they can and attempt to be more understanding. This does not mean that you condone the hurtful actions of others. You simply come to a more realistic view of your past and give it less power over you. As you take stock, you will realize that all people operate out of the same basic drives, including self-interest.
As you learn to reveal your thoughts, feelings, and wishes in an open and honest way, you’ll be better prepared for the ups and downs of an intimate relationship. If you adopt a mindset of a forgiving person you can enjoy all of the joyful moments of a partnership with your mate. Try to remember you are on the same team. Letting go of resentment signifies breaking the cycle of pain and building a relationship
based on love, trust, and intimacy.
Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In