Dear Terry,
My friend told me you’re an expert in relationships and I need advice right now. My marriage is crumbling and I’m not sure what to do. I’m a man of few words but will try to explain. My wife, Michelle and I are in our early fifties and we have been married for about ten years and we have one child, Faith, age nine. Michelle got pregnant right away and we were thrilled.
We were lucky that Michelle was able to have a healthy pregnancy and our daughter Faith is just fine. She is smart and loves to play soccer and has lots of friends. The problem is that Michelle focuses so much on Faith that she makes me feel like a third wheel. I’m probably overreacting but it feels like we fell out of love a few years ago and we’re always picking on each other. And we tend to rehash the same arguments over and over again and they never get resolved because we’re both too stubborn.
How can I rid myself of anger and resentment toward my wife? Michelle says we don’t have a problem and that I’m just going through a mid-life crisis but I don’t agree.
Sincerely,
Todd
Many people harbor feelings of anger and resentment because they either don’t want to make waves with their partner or they don’t feel confident in their own judgment and ability to express themselves.
Over time, if negative feelings like anger and resentment are pent up and not discussed, couples can become distant or emotionally disconnected. In some cases, a distance-pursuer pattern develops where on person comes on strong in trying to achieve more emotional, physical, or sexual connection and the other retreats further into a shell. This dysfunctional dance is quite common and with insight it can be changed. If not, this pattern puts a couple at a very high risk for divorce, according to renowned researcher Dr. John Gottman, who observed couples interacting in his love lab for over 40 years and interviewed them to see the factors that kept them together or drove them apart.
Here are 4 ways to let go of resentment:
- Acknowledge the hurt done to yourself and your partner. Be vulnerable and let your partner know exactly what is bothering you and hear his or her side of the story.
- Develop a daily or regular routine that allows you to both air your concerns and also express positive feelings. Some couples find time over a cup of coffee in the morning, others prefer to relax with coffee and/or desert after dinner. Either way, making 15 to 20 minutes to connect can help you improve your sense of closeness and give you a sense of “we’re in this together.”
- Avoid criticizing each other and stop the “blame game.” Ask yourself: “What is more important, being happy or being right?” Take responsibility for your part in a dispute and focus on improving yourself rather than trying to change your partner.
- Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Keep in mind that we are all flawed in some way and attempt to be more understanding when your partner makes an error in judgment or mistake.
The truth is that all couples have struggles, even ones who seem like soul mates. The thing to keep in mind is that realistic expectations and damage control can keep resentment from building and causing serious problems. The best way to create a healthy intimate relationship is to practice acceptance and compassion for your partner and to look in the mirror the next time you feel like criticizing him or her.
Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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