While being a “People Pleaser” has given me a sense of satisfaction at times, the outcome is fairly predictable. When I reflect back on choices I’ve made, neglecting my own needs has often left me feeling resentful and disempowered.
For most of my life, I’ve been stuck in the role of “People Pleaser” because I’ve been fearful of losing the love or recognition of others. Fear of rejection often lies at the root of my tendency to bend over backwards to please others – sometimes at the expense of my own happiness.
While it’s admirable to be a caring person, learning to accept and respect myself has helped me to set healthy boundaries and to say “no” without feeling guilty. For instance, I used to worry about my husband and children forgetting things and my nickname was “reminder mom” but over the last few years I’ve stopped writing them notes to remind them of things. Truth be told, they’ve become less forgetful on their own and I have less stress.
The term “People Pleaser” is often used to describe people who go out of their way to make sure someone else is happy to the detriment of their own happiness. They seek approval from others due to unresolved issues with their parents or a strong need to be accepted. Becoming a “People Pleaser” is a way in which many individuals neglect to set boundaries in relationships and so they end up conveying to others that they’re not good enough.
If you’re not sure if this description fits you, here are a few questions to ask yourself:
-Do you have a hard time saying “no” when you are asked to do something for others?
-Do you worry a lot about disappointing others or worry they’ll leave you?
-Do you bend over backwards for other people, often at your own expense?
-Do you do some things because of a feeling of obligation, and then feel resentful afterwards?
-Are you afraid that if you don’t take care of others, they’ll think you’re not “nice?”
-Do you avoid speaking up for yourself or voicing your opinion because you’re afraid of conflict?
-Do you let other people “take advantage” of you?”
If you find yourself recognizing yourself in a lot of these points, then you can probably benefit from being more assertive. After all, although pleasing others at your own expense might gain you some recognition, it won’t be good for your self-esteem in the long run.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Studies show that women are socialized to be nurturing and responsible – which sets the stage for people pleasing. It’s natural for girls to grow up feeling that it’s desirable to be flexible and to subordinate their needs to others. Unfortunately, this tendency can set the stage for unhealthy boundaries in relationships. While some men may experience “People Pleasing” it appears more often in women. Over time, a lack of setting boundaries in relationships can damage a person’s sense of self-worth. Fortunately, this damage is reversible with self-awareness and support from others.
Before you can begin to build healthy relationships you must have healthy self-esteem – which means evaluating yourself in positive ways and believing in yourself. The first step is honestly taking stock of your patterns of relating to others. One of the first things to ask yourself is: how do I treat myself? No one is going to treat you with respect if you beat yourself up. Get rid of all those self-defeating thoughts in your head – such as calling yourself “stupid” that won’t help you get back on your feet.
The first step to reducing approval seeking behavior is to examine your self-sabotaging beliefs and behavior. Often people get stuck in the role of “People Pleasing” because they lack self-awareness. The following steps will enable you to exercise personal power and gain control of your life.
- Realize you simply can’t be liked by everyone. There will always be those who don’t agree or approve of your words or actions. Accept that you can’t control what others think of you. We all have unique perceptions based on our personalities and upbringing.
- Examine whether you give too much in relationships. Do you ignore your own needs due to seeking other’s approval? Therapy, reading, and keeping a journal can aid you in this process.
- Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your self-worth. You don’t need to prove anything to another person about your self-worth. You are just as deserving of attention and caring as other people are.
- Make a list of things that are important to you and begin pursuing some of them. Share the list with a friend, partner, and/or therapist.
- Stop viewing yourself as a victim. Set goals and make new decisions to change your life – such as taking time to do the things that you enjoy rather than deferring to the needs of others.
- Practice self-approval by learning to set personal boundaries and saying “no” to unreasonable requests from others. As you begin to care less about seeking the approval of others, you’ll find you have more energy – people pleasing can drain us of time and energy.
- Be more compassionate to yourself. My guess is that you are usually already caring to others and now it’s time to focus more on your needs. That doesn’t mean to drastically change who you are but try to achieve more of a balance between taking care of yourself and others.
Take a moment to consider that becoming more assertive can help you to act from a place of personal power and help you to build self-confidence. As you become better able to express your thoughts, wishes, and desires, don’t be surprised if your partner or friends react in a negative way. They may need time to adapt to the “new” you.
However, you can learn to set healthy boundaries and this will cause your sense of self to soar as you build self-respect. By learning to be more assertive, you will no longer feel like a victim. Making yourself a priority isn’t the same as being selfish. You are worth the effort and deserve a freer, happier life.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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