The cornerstone of a successful intimate relationship is trust. Previously, I believed that a breach of trust was something that couples could bounce back from quickly but I’ve gained insight about the ways this isn’t the case. For instance, most marriages don’t survive big betrayals or even a series of smaller ones. My current view is that finding healthy ways to be vulnerable, express your thoughts and feelings, and be honest with your partner, is the best way to build a trusting relationship. Vulnerability is the glue that holds a relationship together over the long run.
But is lying by omission or keeping a secret the same as lying? First, you want to consider how your partner would view your secret if he or she found out and you failed to tell them about it. Also, if you feel guilty or uneasy about not disclosing information to him or her, it’s a red flag you need to be honest or forthcoming about something you’ve kept a secret.
For instance, Catherine neglected to inform her husband Thomas that she had a close relationship with Kevin, a male co-worker, and that they often ate lunch together. At times, she would confide in Kyle about her marital problems. She explains: “I don’t really see a reason to tell Thomas because we just eat lunch and we’re not having sex. I just didn’t want him to leave because he is very jealous and possessive.”
When I attempted to explain to Catherine the reasons why honesty is essential to a healthy relationship, she said: “I guess I never faced how my closeness with Kyle was driving me and Thomas further and further apart.”
Like Catherine, many of my clients engage in secrecy, dishonesty or even emotional affairs because they believe it’s okay to find love and intimacy with someone other than their partner as long as it’s not sexual. Or they’ve convinced themselves that their significant other simply can’t handle the truth and might abandon them. While it is true that some partners will feel angry, hurt, and betrayed when they learn their love interest has done something unacceptable to them, honestly confronting issues is the best way to foster trust and intimacy with a partner.
6 tips for rebuilding trust with your partner:
- Take an inventory of all of the things you like about your partner so that you can work on restoring loving feelings. These qualities might include good listener, fun loving, or interesting.
- Challenge mistrustful thoughts when they arise. Ask yourself: is my lack of trust in my partner due to his/her actions or my own baggage, or both?
- Be compassionate and listen to your partner’s side of the story when you feel mistrustful. Do not always assume that a failure in competence is intentional – sometimes people simply make a mistake.
- Work towards extending trust to your partner and giving him or her the benefit of the doubt if there is usually consistency between their words and actions.
- Foster admiration and friendship with your partner. There is recent evidence that happy, lasting relationships rely on a lot more than a marriage certificate and that the secret ingredient is friendship. Look for qualities you admire in your partner and remind yourself of these admirable qualities regularly.
- Adopt a mindset that great relationships are formed not found: This means they require a lot of effort and an intention to pay attention to your partner’s needs. John Gottman recommends that couples practice “turning towards” one another rather than away when they are having communication difficulties.
Spending time together daily with your partner and rebuilding your intimate connection with him or her will help you foster a deeper connection. At some point, your partner may seem dull or compare unfavorably to another man or women and you run the risk of seeing him or her in a negative light, or becoming easily frustrated with them, if you are not nurturing an intimate bond.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In