8 Ways Divorced Families Can Cope with Holiday Stress

One of the most challenging times of year for all family members following divorce is the holiday season. Memories from past years might flood your already stressed brain as you drive in your car and holiday music comes on the radio.

For the recently divorced parent, the holidays can be an emotional, stressful, and perhaps a lonely time of year – especially if they don’t have new traditions and support systems in place.

First and foremost, you need to do everything in your power not to intensify your children’s loyalty conflicts during the holiday season. It’s wise to be flexible and understanding as you negotiate schedules – your children may feel torn between their parents’ two disparate worlds.

Show compassion for your kids if they seem stressed or worried.  Remind them that it’s normal to feel more stress this time of year and you will help them to navigate through rocky patches any way you can.

What can you do to create new, positive holiday memories when you are recovering from a divorce and have children? The first step is awareness that this is a stressful time of year and that your main goal needs to be let go of past grudges and bad memories so that you can create wonderful new ones. Holding onto angry feelings toward your former spouse can make you bitter.

Modeling responsible behavior toward your former spouse is key to having a successful holiday. Children pick up on both verbal and non-verbal signs of anger so do your best to keep these feelings in check. Never bad mouth your ex and model respectful communication in front of your children. Studies show that children adjust better to divorce if their parents minimize conflict and are more cooperative.

8 Ways Divorced Families Can Cope with Holiday Stress:

• Radiate a positive attitude about the holidays. Remember that spending time with your kids doing enjoyable activities is the best part of this busy season.
• Follow a routine and plan ahead. Have a secure schedule in place for your children. Communicate with your ex through email because phone conversations and texts can get emotional during this busy holiday season.
• Don’t express negative feelings towards your children’s other parent in front of them. Be businesslike and civil with your ex and/or their relatives – this will set a positive tone for the years to come.
• Don’t treat your children like possessions. Do your best not to put them in the middle by making them a messenger between their parents or asking them too many questions about their time with their other parent.
• Validate your children’s feelings if they express sadness or other negative emotions. Let them know that it’s okay to feel this way and you are there for them. Don’t make them feel guilty about their time away from you – ask them if they had a good time. Their take on the holidays may be negative, especially if they are teenagers who have memories of past holidays and want to control their schedule.
• Don’t take it personally if they want to spend more time with their other parent. It’s easy to understand how holidays can be stressful for children of divorce when they may miss their other parent or feel torn between both caregivers.
• Start new holiday traditions that will create positive memories for you and your children. For instance, visiting friends, attending a play or concert, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or enjoying a special meal prepared by all of you. Hold onto traditions and activities from the past that worked for you and your kids.
• Find time to laugh and relax with your children. Laughter is one of the best ways to change a negative mood to a positive one. Take time out of every day to de-stress by doing things that you all enjoy – listen to music, work on a puzzle, or participate in other fun activities.

The holiday season doesn’t have to be a time of stress overload. Don’t forget to hug your children and remember to keep the focus on what is most important – sustaining a positive relationship with your children. Try to remember that holidays can be a time to spend time with loved ones and friends. Your children might need special time with you if you separated or divorced recently; or they have moved to a new neighborhood.

Remember that your goal during the holidays can be to create new, positive holiday memories for your children that will stay with them for years to come. I’d love to hear about your experience over the holidays and new traditions that you’ve developed.

Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry