Many couples who come to my office for counseling complain that they have drifted apart and have lost sexual intimacy in their marriage or relationship. If this is true of you, you may not be connecting emotionally, which can lead to detachment and lack of passion.
Michelle, 43, put it like this: “Joshua rarely initiates sex anymore and I admit that I don’t feel sexually attracted to him. We’re just not on the same page and it’s been months since we had sex. The biggest problem is that I don’t feel close to him anymore and I worry we’ll split up.”
Joshua, 46, responds, “I love Michelle but whenever I approach her sexually, she says she’s tired. After a while, I just stopped and it seems like we’ll never get back on track.”
What is the secret to helping you and your partner revive your sex life and fall back in love? Couples who “turn toward” one another rather than “turning away” are more likely to be happy and less likely to be headed for misery and/or divorce court according to Dr. John Gottman. In other words, couples need to make more of an effort to stay emotionally connected, listen, and remain interested in each other.
In his book The Relationship Cure, Dr. Gottman writes: “It’s not that these couples don’t get mad or disagree. It’s that when they disagree, they’re able to stay connected and engaged with each other. Rather than becoming defensive and hurtful, they pepper their disputes with flashes of affection, intense interest, and mutual respect.”
Author Teresa Atkin advises couples to rewire their brains to experience feelings of pleasure so they can experience emotional and sexual closeness. She reminds us that the human brain, while wonderfully complex, doesn’t always work in our best interest and we need to rewire it in order to experience pleasurable feelings. She writes, “Research shows that we get a healthy shot of dopamine (those feel good hormone) when we are seeking reward, and when there is something new to experience. Also, excitement is transferable, so the heightened arousal that follows say, a roller coaster ride, can be used to rev up your sex life.”
Here are 7 tips to help you rev up your sexual intimacy:
- Examine your degree of intimacy or detachment: This includes ways you might be denying your partner or coming on too strong sexually.
- Avoid criticizing each other and stop the “blame game.” You are responsible for your own happiness. It’s not always your partner’s fault when you lack passion or disagree.
- Break the pursuer-distancer pattern. Distancers need to practice initiating sex more often and pursuers need to find ways to tell their partner “you’re sexy,” while avoiding critique after sex. Try to see things from your partners point of view.
- Repair after conflicts skillfully. Don’t put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship. Experiencing conflict is inevitable and couples who strive to avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships, posits author Kate McNulty, LCSW, in Managing Conflict to Protect Your Relationship.
- Increase physical affection. According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases feel good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. Studies show that it’s released during sexual orgasm and affectionate touch as well. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones – lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
- Allow sexual tension to build. Our brains experience more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward goes on for some time before we get the actual reward. So take your time, share fantasies, change locations, and make sex more romantic.
- Make time to spend with your partner on a daily basis. Try a variety of activities that can bring you both pleasure. Have fun courting your partner and practice flirting with him or her. Don’t forget to cuddle on the couch and surprise your partner with a kiss.
Most of all, don’t lose hope. Even if your relationship is going through a dry spell, it doesn’t have to mean you are headed for divorce court. Practicing emotional attunement while relaxing together can help you stay connected in spite of your differences. This means “turning toward” one another, showing empathy, and not being defensive. Even if you’re not a touchy-feely person, increasing physical affection can help you to sustain a deep, meaningful bond.
Believe or not, talking about problems with sexual intimacy can sometimes make things worse unless you are meeting with a marriage counselor. For your marriage or romantic relationship to thrive, it’s important to remain calm and not jump to conclusions. If you’re not seeing a positive change after several months, meeting with a professional counselor can help you reconnect sexually and emotionally.
Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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