Many people who are in toxic relationships ask themselves “Why do I fall for partners who are bad for me?” Or, “How can I be sure to pick a partner who is a good match for me?”
Maura, put it this way: “I have an instinct to “fix” every man I date. My counselor says I’m co-dependent and that I tend to try to save men who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern around and have healthy relationships?”
When I met with Maura for an interview for this article she said: Why am I settling for less than I deserve in relationships?
Too often people settle for less than they deserve because they’re afraid of being alone. If this is your tendency, gently remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person regardless of whether or not you are in a romantic relationship. There are many ways that you can learn to get more comfortable with being alone such as taking up a hobby, joining a book club for stimulation, or simply writing down your feelings in a journal and perhaps sharing them with a close friend or therapist.
7 ways to avoid relationships that are wrong for you:
1. Face your fear of being alone. Many people settle for relationships that are wrong for them because they fear being single and any stigma attached to this. Women are especially likely to feel stigma when they are not part of a couple.
2. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. When you compromise too many of the values that are important to you, these relationships usually fail. Focus on your deal breakers and pick a partner who is someone who you can share a life with and deepen your love with over time.
3. Set an expectation of mutual respect. You can accept, admire, and respect each other for who you are. If you don’t have respect for your partner, it will eat away at chemistry until you have nothing left. A partner who truly cares about you is a boost to your self-esteem. He or she values you, gives you compliments, and encourages you to do things that are in your best interest.
4. Ask yourself: Does my partner keep his/her agreements. Are they someone who you can trust because they demonstrate consistency between their words and actions? When someone is interested in you, they’ll keep their agreements.
5. Notice if your love interest carves out time for you on a regular basis – that he/she makes you a priority because they value your relationship. This includes regular text messages or phone calls to show that they’re thinking of you and inviting you to do things together.
6. Look for a partner who you have both chemistry and compatibility with. Even if you meet someone who isn’t gorgeous, be patient and see if your attraction grows over time. Look for qualities such as kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, and consideration because these are characteristics that describe someone who is a worthy long-term partner.
7. Select a partner who talks about your future together. If he or she says “I’m not ready for a commitment,” take him or her seriously — they’re just not that into you. Don’t waste your time on a relationship that doesn’t have a future.
Keep in mind that you are not alone: many people fear being alone and stay in toxic relationships far too long. Be gentle with yourself as you spend time with partners who are reciprocal and loving. It may seem unnatural at times to be in a relationship that is healthy, but over time you will adapt and flourish!
Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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