Many adult children of divorce wonder if they can overcome the legacy of their parents’ divorce. They worry about repeating the patterns of the past and getting a divorce themselves. As a therapist and divorce researcher, I tell them, “The challenge of creating and maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship is where your parents fell short. But you have an opportunity to learn from their mistakes and build a healthy relationship that will endure the test of time.”
There are many reasons why adults raised in divorced homes get stuck in the past and have difficulty establishing healthy relationships in the present. You might find yourself in relationship patterns that mirror your family of origin. It’s understandable that you might repeat what you observed in your childhood home. Another factor may be what Freud referred to as repetition compulsion. This is a tendency that people have to repeat behaviors from the past as a way to gain mastery over them.
In either case, becoming more aware of the unhealthy relationship patterns that contributed to your parents’ divorce can be a good first step. Carolyn provides an example of a woman who replayed patterns of the past for many years without conscious awareness. In love with the idea of marriage, she was looking for the nurturing and intimacy she lacked as a child. Like her mother, Carolyn was self-sacrificing and was attracted to someone who was her opposite – a taker who was disinterested in meeting her needs.
Ignoring the red flags early in the relationship, Carolyn was caught up in a pursuer-distancer pattern with her boyfriend Bob, who could never fully commit to marriage. They had been engaged for six years and he was unwilling to set a date for their wedding.
There are many reasons why people have difficulty letting go of the past and moving past divorce. Sometimes, children take their parents’ offenses to heart and blame themselves. After all, most children want to admire their caregivers and so when they do things that are untrustworthy, children blame themselves as a way to make sense of their world. Some people even create a narrative for their life that focuses on suffering and blame.
The following affirmations will help you to heal from the past and to make healthier choices in relationships in the present. Crafting a new story for your life includes not allowing your parents’ divorce or unhappiness to define who you are as a person. Develop and use positive intentions or affirmations such as:
- I accept that I don’t have control over all aspects of my life, but I can exercise the power of choice. I will attempt to make good choices and let go of those things that are beyond my control.
- I won’t let my parents’ divorce or my past prevent me from making positive choices today.
- I am finding ways to repair the damage done by my parents’ divorce by writing a new narrative for my life – one that includes picking partners who are trustworthy and willing to give rather than just take from me.
- I will examine my expectations about intimate relationships and try to be realistic and not assume the worst of my partners.
- I won’t let my past dictate my view of commitment to a trustworthy partner or make me fearful of marriage.
Keep in mind that the best relationships are ones where each partner approaches one another as an equal. The relationship doesn’t drain its participants; instead it nourishes. A successful romantic relationship is where you feel you can be your authentic self. It is possible to be vulnerable with others without losing parts of yourself. By doing this, you’ll be able to reap the benefits of a loving and trusting intimate relationship.
Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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