During a counseling session recently, Megan, 42, complained that her 14 year-old daughter, Elli, was defiant about following her rules, calling her names, and blaming her for the break-up of their family. Her ex-husband, Todd, 44, lived in the same town and didn’t appear to being having the same difficulties managing Elli. Megan said that she felt frustrated, sad, and worried about her relationship with Elli.
She put it like this: “I just don’t know what to do with her. We rarely speak anymore and when we do, she yells at me and accuses me of being selfish because I asked her dad to move out recently when I found out he was having 2 year long affair with a co-worker. Elli’s always on her phone, her grades are slipping, and I’m very worried about her.”
What I explained to Megan is that parental separation and divorce present turmoil and pain to kids of all ages, but especially teenagers who are trying to establish their own identity. I recommended that she ask Elli to unplug her phone and that they spend an afternoon together doing something low key like having lunch and going for a walk. During this time together, I also suggested that she use “I statements” such as “I feel we’re drifting apart and I’d love to hear from you about what could help us heal this rift.” At this point, being an active listener is key with a focus on reflecting back to her what she seems to be communicating. It’s also important to be non-judgmental while validating her feelings rather than evaluating them or taking things personally.
For instance, Megan might say to her something like this “I can imagine it’s been tough for you since your dad moved out and I want to hear your concerns.” Then really listen without saying too much. Let your child know that you will not come between her/him and their father and that parents often have problems that have nothing to do with kids.”
Here are some general post-divorce parenting guidelines:
- Use a love with limits approach: give you child or teenager plenty of love and affection but let them know that you still have expectations about their behavior and will not accept yelling, name-calling, etc. Write up some basic household rules such as “No Yelling, No Physical Aggression, and Show Respect for each other.”
- Schedule regular time together to eat meals, go for walk, play cards or games, or generally hang out in a relaxed way. This will encourage open communication in a non-pressured setting. Order pizza or make sandwiches, or cook a simple meal together, so not too much time is spent preparing meals.
- Set up a regular family meeting time (at least twice a month). Have 2 boxes: one box to write down things that are going well and another box to write down things that need to be improved in your family. Have one family member take notes and be sure to give everyone a chance to talk. Remember to write up some solutions (like a chore list) to work on improving the concerns that family member have and set ground rules like “No interrupting others.”
- Be sure to never bad-mouth your child’s other parent after a separation or divorce. Saying something like “We both love you but couldn’t live happily together after trying for some time. I know divorce is hard and I will try my best not to put you in the middle.”
The most important tasks for parents post-divorce is to focus on rebuilding your life, letting go of past resentments, and providing your child with love and security by offering open communication, affection, and having realistic expectations of respect and responsibility in your home. Typically, it takes a child about two years to adjust to their parents divorce and it can be smoother is both parents are cordial and keep the best interests of their child in mind.
Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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