In recent years, there has been a shift in the landscape of family life in America. The share of US adults currently married has declined modestly from 58% in 1998 to 53% in 2019, according to the Pew Research Center. Also, the share of those living with an unmarried partner has risen from 3 to 7% in the same time period. The same study found that married people are more satisfied with their relationships than those who cohabitate.
Why do young adults delay marriage or prefer to cohabitate in the twenty-first century? It makes sense that people in their 20’s and 30’s might hedge their bets and see relationships as risky if they watched their parents’ marriage fail or even relatives and friend’s parents’ marriage collapse.
Multiple factors have merged together to create a generation of ambiguity when it comes to long-term commitment. However, one of the most compelling reasons is cultural since the first generation of children to grow up witnessing mass divorce are now making their own decisions about love and commitment.
Divorce expert Paul Amato posits that many adult children of divorce (ACODS) fear relationship failure. They fear that when they open themselves up to other people, they will get hurt, and will lose out on love. Fear of failure can hold ACODS back and prevent them from being their best selves. It limits them by fostering a pessimistic attitude about the future.
Many people, like Ryan, fear commitment because he just can’t see a relationship working out due to his parents’ divorce. Ryan, 32, has a college degree, a good job in the technology field, and positive relationships with his friends and family. Although he says he doesn’t believe in marriage because he watched his parents’ part ways when he was twelve, he wants someone who will be a soul mate and compliment him.
Ryan reflects, “I want to get married someday, but I fear commitment,” he continues, “But it’s going to take a lot to prove it to me because I want it to be foolproof.” Unfortunately, Ryan’s craving for a guaranteed relationship will always be unsatisfied because such relationships don’t exist.
Many of Ryan’s fears began after his father moved out and remarried soon afterwards when he was in middle school. He rarely saw his dad as a teenager. Ryan felt hurt and disappointed at a very impressionable age and as an adult, he can’t seem to shake the feeling that all relationships are doomed.
5 ways to get ready for commitment and/or marriage:
- Examine your history and the impact of your parents’ divorce or high conflict marriage, your own breakups or divorce, and infidelity (parents and others) has had on your mistrust of relationships lasting.
- Deal with your fear of commitment and understand the reality that a lifetime commitment has to be made with some degree of uncertainty. If you wait to make a commitment when you are totally doubt-free, it may never happen.
- Take it slow when dating and make sure you’ve known a partner for at least two years before you get engaged to reduce your chance of divorce.
- Discuss your values and interests with new partners and look for a partner who shares common values. If you marry someone with drastically different values, you will face complex issues that could put you more at risk for divorce.
- Trust your own judgment and be dependable with your commitment. Commitment to someone you love and consider your best friend is not an on-again, off-again proposition.
Making a commitment requires a certain degree of confidence in yourself and others. If you aren’t there yet, embrace where you are now. What is it that holds you back from achieving a satisfying relationship? And once you have it, what will you do when you get there? Embrace the reality that relationships, whether they last three months or three decades, can provide you with the love, understanding, and intimacy you need at the time.
Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.
Terry’s book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.
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