Brian, 58, and Alyssa, 52, a couple who I counseled recently, came to my office looking to deepen their connection. They were remarried two years ago and they live in a blended family. They were both unhappy and experiencing increased stress following Allysa being laid off from work several months ago and Brian feeling burdened by working long hours and dealing with financial pressure.
Alyssa put it like this, “The last three months were very challenging because less than two years after we got married, I was laid off from my job. And I was laid off with two days’ notice. Brian is a manager of a grocery store who can work overtime to pay our mortgage and bills. But when he’s gone more, we argue a lot and he’s detached, and this really fuels my trust issues.”
Brian responded, “Alyssa is upset because she isn’t working and I get the brunt of this. I just want her to stop blaming me and complaining. Why can’t she be content with spending time with the kids since she has two teenage daughters and I have ten year-old son? Instead she gets mad when I get home a little later and we’ve been fighting more about money and the kids. I can’t help it that she got laid off.”
Unfortunately, Alyssa and Brian feel trapped in a vicious cycle of blame and defensiveness due to their emotional baggage and unwillingness to accept what they each contribute to their negative pattern of interactions. Since Alyssa felt betrayed by her ex-spouse, she is quick to blame Brian when she feels hurt by his actions. On the other hand, Brian is easily frustrated with Alyssa because he just wants things to run smoothly after dealing with a bitter divorce that lasted several years.
However, trying to change someone can be deadly for an intimate relationship. Instead, in a healthy partnership, you need to shift away from how to “fix” the other person and toward a broader perspective of how to repair your relationship. The first person you need to examine is yourself if you’re going to ignite positive change in the dynamics between you and your partner and establish a stronger bond.
Vulnerability and Trust Go Hand in Hand
Cultivating intimacy involves allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trusting your partner. All relationships have tension at times, but it’s important for partners to use that tension to become more emotionally attuned, physically affectionate, and open about their thoughts, feelings, and desires.
In my in-depth interviews of 100 remarried couples for my book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, I discovered that happy couples are able to identify whether their trust issues stem from their present relationship or are “emotional baggage” from past betrayals. It’s possible to deal effectively with ghosts from the past by extending trust to each other through words and actions that are consistent with a loving, long-term view of remarriage.
For instance, in our sessions, Alyssa was able to identify that her trust issues started with her first marriage since her ex-husband betrayed her for years when he was a truck driver and drove to Florida. She told Brian that some of her mistrust came from her past and her feelings became more intense when he came home late from work. Fortunately, Brian was able to be vulnerable and tell Alyssa that he knows he shuts down when he feels criticized and he’ll try to remember to text her if he’s running late.
6 Tips to Building Trust and Intimacy in a Remarriage:
Practice these tips with your partner and plan a special activity to do together each week. You may want to take a 30-minute walk, cook a special meal, or simply listen to music together.
- Challenge mistrustful thoughts. Ask yourself: is your lack of trust due to your partner’s actions or your own issues, or both?
- Gain confidence in your own perceptions by paying attention to your doubts and instincts. Ask yourself: is there congruence between my partner’s words and actions? Do they keep important promises and agreements?
- Gain awareness about how your reactions may be having a destructive impact on your relationship and take responsibility for them.
- Don’t always assume that your partner’s behavior is intentional – sometimes people simply make a mistake. Seek to genuinely understand your partner’s point of view, without debate, criticism or judgment. Remember that love and caring take time to develop in a remarried family. Don’t try to force your family into a first-time family mold.
- Try not to take things personally. Make sure your words and tone of voice are consistent with your goal of building trust with your partner. Imagine that your partner’s concerns have nothing to do with your character or worth when your emotional vulnerabilities are being triggered. Remember, they’re just speaking about what upsets them, listen attentively, and respond thoughtfully.
- Practice attunement with your partner. In his book What Makes Love Last? relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman defines attunement as the desire and the ability to understand and respect your intimate partner’s inner world. He writes: “Attunement offers a blueprint for building and reviving trust in a long-term committed relationship.”
Emotional intimacy and trust go hand in hand, and securely attached couples can express their needs and preferences openly. Likewise, daily rituals such as spending time together, listening, and giving each other the benefit of the doubt, will allow remarried partners to be close and to build the trust and intimacy that will help their remarriage endure the test of time.
Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW is a licensed therapist and author. She’s a contributor to many websites including The Gottman Institute Blog, the GoodMenProject.com, Patheos.com, marriage.com, and Divorcedmoms.com.
Follow Terry on Facebook, Twitter, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her new book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.
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