Karen, 35, sat on the couch near (but not close) to her boyfriend Ron, 36, and talked about her tendency to take care of Ron’s needs at her own expense. Living together for five years, she found herself doing most of the housework and chores, and then resenting it.
Karen reflects, “I always wanted a healthier relationship than my parents because my mom was a doormat who took care of my dad, even when she neglected herself. But now I find myself following in her footsteps more often than I’d like. But when I tried to set boundaries and back off so Ron could do more, he didn’t really step up to the plate.”
While it’s admirable to be a caring person, self-sabotage can be a destructive pattern. In our therapy sessions, Ron spoke about often feeling confused about Karen’s preferences and desires.
Ron puts it like this, “even asking Karen what movie or TV series she wants to watch can become a big deal since she’ll often say, “You go ahead and choose, I don’t care.” But then if I pick something she will scroll on her phone and give me the “silent treatment” when I ask her if she wants to watch something else.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Learning to respect yourself and to set healthy boundaries and to say “no” (without feeling guilty) takes courage. For instance, Karen started asking Ron to cook dinner a couple of nights a week so she could go to the gym.
At first, Ron resisted cooking and ordered take out. But when Karen told him that she gained five pounds over a month from the additional calories from pizza and high calorie dinners, he agreed to cook a balanced meal (with her support) two nights a week.
Ron put it like this, “Once Karen told me that her clothes were getting too tight and she was feeling badly about the unwanted pounds she was gaining, I realized that I wasn’t doing my share so she could work out and come home to a healthy meal.”
What is a people pleaser?
Like many of the women I’ve counseled, Karen was raised in a family where she was taught that to take care of herself was selfish so she became a people pleaser. According to a Gottman Institute writer, Alli Hoff Kosik, “We’re taught to put a high premium on kindness, generosity, and the needs of others. Sharing is one of the first lessons that many of us can remember learning as toddlers.” However, this mindset can set the stage for people pleasing if we’re not aware of it.
The term “People Pleaser” is often used to describe people who go out of their way to make sure someone else is happy to the detriment of their own happiness. They seek approval from others due to unresolved issues with their parents or a need to be accepted. Becoming a people pleaser is a way in which many individuals neglect to set boundaries and convey to others that they’re not good enough.
If you’re not sure if this description fits you, here are a few questions to ask yourself:
-Do you have a hard time saying “no” when you are asked to do something for others?
-Do you worry a lot about disappointing others or worry they’ll leave you?
-Do you bend over backwards for other people, often at your own expense?
-Do you do some things because of a feeling of obligation, and then feel resentful afterwards?
-Are you afraid that if you don’t take care of others, they’ll think you’re not “nice?”
-Do you avoid speaking up for yourself or voicing your opinion because you’re afraid of conflict?
-Do you let your other people “take advantage” of you?”
If you find yourself recognizing yourself in a lot of these, then you probably can benefit from being more assertive. After all, although pleasing others at your own expense might gain you some recognition, it won’t be good for your self-esteem in the long run.
Examine Your Beliefs and Attitudes
Studies show that while some men may experience “People Pleasing” it appears more often in women. Over time, a lack of setting boundaries in relationships can damage a person’s sense of self-worth. This can happen when a person defers their own needs for too long and they sacrifice too much for their partner or others. The good news is that this damage is reversible with self-awareness and support from others.
Before you can begin to set healthy boundaries in relationships, you must have healthy self-esteem – which means evaluating yourself in positive ways and believing in yourself. Honestly take stock of your patterns of relating to others.
One of the first things to ask yourself is: how do I treat myself? No one is going to treat you with respect if you beat yourself up. Get rid of all those self-defeating thoughts in your head – such as calling yourself “stupid” that won’t help you get back on your feet.
The first step to addressing people pleasing behavior is to examine your attitudes and beliefs. Often people get stuck in the role of “People Pleasing” because they lack self-awareness. The following 6 ways will allow you to gain control of your life.
- Embrace the idea that you can’t be liked by everyone. There will always be those who don’t agree or approve of your words or actions. Accept that you can’t control what others think of you. All you can really control is yourself.
- Ask yourself: do I give too much in relationships? Do you ignore your own needs due to seeking other’s approval? Therapy, reading, and keeping a journal can aid you in this process.
- Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your self-worth. You don’t need to prove anything to another person about your self-worth. You are just as deserving of attention and caring as other people are.
- Put an end to playing the role of a victim. Make new decisions to change your life – such as taking time to do the things that you enjoy rather than deferring to the needs of others.
- Practice compassion and self-approval by learning to set personal boundaries and saying “no “to unreasonable requests from others. You will feel better when you give yourself time to replenish yourself rather than focusing too much on others.
- Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you are selfish. As you begin to care less about seeking the approval of others, you’ll find you have more energy – people pleasing can drain us of time and make us feel tired. Strive to achieve balance between your physical, mental, and emotional heath.
Take a moment to ask yourself: Am I able to freeing express my thoughts, wishes, and desires without worrying about my partner or friend’s reaction? If the answer is no, it may be time to consider working on freeing yourself from being a people pleaser. By learning to be more assertive, you will no longer feel like a victim. Making yourself a priority isn’t the same as being selfish. You are worth the effort and deserve a freer, happier life.
I would love to hear from you if you have any questions or comments at movingpastdivorce.com. To find out more about my research, order my book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy Long-Lasting Relationship.
My book “The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around” was published by Sounds True in the February of 2020.
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