I hear over and over from women who email or meet with me: “Why can’t I allow myself to be vulnerable with men?” Or: “How come I feel like running every time he seems to take our relationship to the next level.”
Karen, an articulate thirty-nine year old, reflects on an interesting trend she has noticed in romantic relationships when she says, “I always tend to go for guys who don’t want to make a commitment. I think it’s because I meet them at bars or in public places. I like to get to know someone who is ready for a relationship.”
Although Karen is by no means shallow, her choice of partners who lack a willingness to commit reflects her poor choice of ways to connect with someone who wants to commit. She may want commitment but be fearful at the same time, especially if she has been hurt or let down in the past by partners or her parents.
Many women who are fearful of love fall into one of two categories. They are either fiercely independent, or become enmeshed with their partners and constantly look to them for approval. Our society prizes independence and it’s encouraged in divorced or high-conflict families when parents are preoccupied with their own issues. Certainly, there is nothing wrong with working hard and becoming self-sufficient. But at its root, ultra-self-reliance is about fear of being vulnerable.
Take a moment to consider that you might be sabotaging relationship after relationship if you don’t get beyond your fear of being vulnerable. Your fear of showing weakness or exposing yourself to others, for instance, might be preventing you from being totally engaged in an intimate relationship. You may be freezing out the opportunity for love because you are fearful of sharing your inner most thoughts, feelings, and wishes.
Do you find yourself falling into one or all of the following relationship patterns?
- Being attracted to partners who want different things from a relationship or have values that are at odds with yours?
- Ignoring red flags such as dishonesty, possessiveness, or jealous tendencies?
- Pursuing a partner who is distant or overly dependent on you even though you know deep down inside that they will never meet your emotional needs?
4 Ways to Create a Healthy Romantic Relationship
While all relationships present us with risks, they are risks worth taking. The following steps will guide you on your journey to being vulnerable and intimate with a partner:
- Taking ownership of your own unhealthy patterns that prevent you from true intimacy is crucial. Awareness is the first step towards change.
- Do your best to expose yourself to potential partners that would be a good match for you. Seek to meet them through friends or while you are pursuing a hobby or interest.
- Determine if your self-reliance is extreme or moderate. If it’s extreme, pinpoint the source of it and examine your thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs. Lessen your defenses and let someone get close to you.
- Visualize yourself in an honest and open relationship and work toward allowing yourself to be more vulnerable with your partner or respective mates– let them nurture you. Vulnerability is a critical aspect of intimacy.
Finally, remind yourself daily that it’s healthy to accept help from others and a sign of strength rather than weakness. Developing interdependence with a partner will allow you to become more intimate with them. Don’t let your fear of rejection stop you from achieving trusting, intimate relationships. Healthy partnerships are within reach if you let go of fear and believe you are worthy of love and all the gifts it has to offer.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy A Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship was published in January of 2016 by Sourcebooks.
Preorder Terry’s new book Let’s Talk About Money: Low-Conflict Conversations for Couples, here.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In