Alexis, 38, and her husband David, 39, have been struggling to find time together for some time with limited success. The both have busy careers and three active children under the age of ten. When a problem arises in their home, they tend to point the finger at each other.
Alexis put it like this: “Our relationship always seems to be put on the back burner between household chores and the kids soccer games, and community events. We’re starting to drift apart and all we talk about is our children or bicker about bills.”
What Alexis and David are lacking is a commitment to focus more on their marriage and spend time together on a regular basis. It’s not a matter of lack of love. When I interviewed them, they both said that their love and passion have faded somewhat in the last several years, but they still want to work on their marriage.
What Does Making Your Marriage a Priority Mean?
When your marriage is a priority, you and your partner feel a strong physical and emotional connection. You devote time and attention to each other and your relationship. You spend time together regularly. You know the details of your partner’s life and his or her stresses, fears, likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams. You routinely show attraction, fondness, and esteem for your spouse—even when you disagree. When your marriage is a priority, you and your partner have a strong, intimate relationship and are better able to weather the storms of daily life.
What does putting your marriage first mean in everyday terms? It doesn’t mean that you ignore others or your children’s needs. But for your marriage to succeed, you and your partner must let your children, family members, and others know that your marriage is airtight and sacred to both of you.
Making your marriage a priority means adopting a “We’re in this together” approach when it comes to chores, finances, and daily stressors. Couples that work together, talk to each other, and are present in their marriage, embody the concept of teamwork. And when a problem arises, rather than blame each other, they blame the relationship and look for ways to repair it and get back on track.
David reflects: “I really want to stop the blaming that goes on with Alexis when we argue. I was already divorced in my twenties and our marriage counselor is helping us see that we need to make time for each other if we want our marriage to last.”
Research shows that when a marriage fails, it isn’t necessarily increasing conflict that’s the cause. It’s decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness, according to a cutting-edge study by Ted Huston of the University of Texas. Huston’s research demonstrated that the demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. In his sample of 168 couples over a thirteen-year period, Huston found that the spouses in long-term happy marriages often point to each other’s admirable qualities and mention the pleasure they find in their relationship and spending time together as significant reasons for the durability of their bond.
Finding time to strengthen your marriage is no easy task. It means taking control of your time. The outcome is likely to be better, more satisfying communication with your mate, a better understanding of your common goals and beliefs, and a more tranquil, well-organized household. There are many pulls, both internal and external, which make it a challenge for a couple with a full schedule. Spending quality time together gives partners time to connect without competing with children so they can fully attend to their partner and not be distracted by other family members.
Most likely you and your partner prioritized your relationship while you were dating but now that you’re married, you find it difficult to do so. You may be juggling careers, aging relatives, children, different schedules, and finances. When responsibilities and routines take over, it’s not always easy to stay close and connected. As a result, it’s important for you and your spouse to consciously plan to devote time and attention to each other in order to keep alive the emotional and physical intimacy necessary to sustain a healthy relationship.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy A Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship was published in January of 2016 by Sourcebooks. Her new book, The Remarriage Manual, is available for purchase from your favorite bookseller.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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