8 Co-Parenting Tips to Help Kids Cope During the Holidays

Maria, 46, and Joshua, 47, have been co-parenting over a year and faced many challenges last year during the holiday season. They scheduled a counseling session to discuss how they can reduce conflict and increase the chances that their three children ages eight, ten, and thirteen can have a more relaxed holiday this year.

During our session, I explained to Maria and Joshua that holidays can be a challenging time for children after their parents’ divorce. Since they are recently divorced parents, the holidays can be an emotional, stressful, and perhaps a lonely time of year – especially if they don’t have new traditions and have too much conflict.

First and foremost, I advised Maria and Joshua that they need to show compassion for their kids if they seem stressed or worried about presents, holiday schedules, or other issues.  Remind them that it’s normal to feel more pressure this time of year and assure them that you will help them to navigate through rocky patches any way you can.

Following these tips can help children of divorce have a successful holiday:

• Be businesslike, polite, and civil with your ex-partner. It’s important to treat your co-parenting relationship as a collaboration. Set new boundaries and communicate in the same way you would with your co-workers. Always treat your co-parent with respect and model cooperative behavior for your children.
• Adopt a positive mindset and attitude about the holidays. Remember that spending time with your kids doing enjoyable activities is the best part of this busy season.
• Plan ahead. Have a secure schedule in place for your children but try to be flexible. Communicate with your ex when needed and keep in mind that people can be more emotional during this busy holiday season.
• Don’t express anger towards your children’s other parent in front of them. Being respectful will set a positive tone for the years to come and lessen your children’s loyalty conflicts.
• Make the commitment to your kids and communicate regularly. Avoid text messages which can be misunderstood. Emails are best but don’t click send without pausing and proofreading. Using communication channels where you don’t actually have to speak to each other can help to keep your emotions out of it and to be rational. Regular communication can be hard to commit to but make it part of your plan so that your kids feel special. It’s good to say nice things about their other parent if you can be sincere such as: “Your dad was nice to let you have a sleepover.”
• Validate your children’s feelings if they express sadness or other negative emotions. Let them know that it’s okay to feel this way and you are there for them. Don’t make them feel guilty about their time away from you – they don’t need to know if you feel lonely without them.
• Begin new holiday traditions that will create positive memories for you and your children. For instance, visiting friends, attending a play or concert, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or enjoying a special meal prepared by all of you. Hold onto traditions and activities from the past that worked for you and your kids.
• Remember to laugh and relax with your children. Laughter is one of the best ways to change a negative mood to a positive one. Take time out of every day to de-stress by doing things that you all enjoy – listen to music, work on a puzzle, or participate in other fun activities.

Keeping a cordial tone with your ex-spouse and conflict low is key to having a successful holiday for your children. Kids pick up on both verbal and non-verbal signs of anger so do your best to keep these feelings in check. Never bad mouth your ex and model respectful communication in front of your children. Studies show that children adjust better to divorce if their parents minimize conflict and are more cooperative.

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.

Terry’s book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.