During a recent couples counseling session, Karen, 37, and Rob, 40, discuss their destructive pursuer-distancer pattern in their marriage. During their ten-year relationship, Karen has felt ignored and emotionally neglected by Rob often and Rob feels criticized, unloved, and unappreciated. Karen put it like this, “No matter how hard I try, Rob withdraws and avoids talking to me when I seek him out. He says that I’m needy and put too much pressure on him and I feel lonely and... Read more
During a recent couples counseling session, Tim, 38, spoke about how overwhelmed he feels when Samantha, 37, gets upset with him and shares her frustrations. According to Samantha, he tunes her out and often retreats to another room or watches sports. Tim reflects: “I love Sam and want to make her happy but when she bombards me with intense feelings, it’s more than I can handle so I usually bail out. I do feel badly and we sometimes talk later,... Read more
By far, this is one of the most commonly asked questions my clients ask me. The reason why this question is so difficult to answer is because every family is different and one size doesn’t fit all when it comes to divorce. Also, the degree of conflict in a marriage plays a large role in children’s divorce adjustment. Whether parents should stay together for the sake of their children depends to a large degree on the level of stress and... Read more
While it is natural to feel hurt when a loved one has done something wrong or said something offensive, taking their actions personally can prolong the process of healing and cause people undue misery. My first experience with taking things too personally in my second marriage was when my husband Craig gave me feedback about my parenting skills. For a few years, I took his comments personally and reacted defensively to his comments. That said, Craig felt I was too... Read more
Sitting in my office, Felicia, 35, described the bitterness and resentment she has toward Erik, 37, because he invited his mother to visit for two weeks without consulting her. She has never felt close with her mother-in-law, who she feels is intrusive and gives unsolicited advice. As is the case with many mother-in-law and daughter in law relationships, Felicia feels like she has to walk on egg shells around Erik’s mother, Karen. Their relationship is very complicated and has been... Read more
Sitting on the couch in my office, Jessica, 32, shares her struggle with opening up to her fiancé Stephen, 36. She says, “It’s like I freeze when we are talking about sensitive topics. Since we are engaged, I worry that my difficulty sharing my true feelings with backfire later on.” If we have been let down in the past, the prospect of needing someone can be frightening. Opening up to our partner can make us feel vulnerable and exposed but... Read more
While it’s normal to go through a period of self-reflection when your relationship ends, it’s important that you keep things in perspective. Losing a partner, even if you made a decision to end the relationship, can disrupt your life on so many levels because your ex was undoubtedly a part of your daily existence. As a result, breakups can weaken your ability to sleep, eat well, and function at work and in social spheres. To complicate matters, studies have discovered... Read more
When Kelly, 42, sits on the couch in my office for a couples counseling session, she seems hesitant to talk but opens up after I ask “Why are you here?” She glances at her husband, Jack, age 41, and explains that they have been experiencing tension in their marriage for over one year since Jack lost his job. Kelly puts it like this, “My counselor told me that we have a destructive relationship and I’m tried of being the person... Read more
Most experts advise against rebound relationships because newly divorced people need time to recover from their divorce and any emotional baggage that needs to be dealt with. Put simply, we need to put these ghosts and past memories in their proper place so that we can be fully available for a new partner. However, in certain cases when people go into them with realistic expectations, they can help facilitate healing and boost a person’s self-confidence. Dating a few different people... Read more
Teresa and Carl, both in their late-forties, met at work a year after Teresa’s divorce. In no way did she feel ready to fall in love or to enter another relationship so soon after her marriage ended. However, Teresa finally gave in and agreed to go on a date with Carl because he was so charming and persistent. From that point on, they were a committed couple who spent most weekends together and they were married within six months. Things... Read more
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