One of my clients, Jessica, 38, began dating Dave, 42, after meeting on an online dating site six months ago and she is beginning to question whether or not they have a future. During the first couple of months of dating, she was elated because Dave is handsome, charming, and has a good job as a high school teacher. However, recently, Jessica is noticing that Dave tends to make critical comments about the work she does at an advertising agency... Read more
While all couples need some sense of autonomy and closeness, many couples are chronically disconnected and dissatisfied with their degree of intimacy. The most common reason why couples develop serious difficulties is because one or both partners withdraw and go into the “silent treatment” mode due to feelings of hurt, anger, and resentment. In a recent landmark study of 14,000 participants conducted by Schrodt, women are usually (but not always) the ones who demand or pursue and men tend to withdraw... Read more
Most of the couples that I counsel complain that they argue about the same things over and over again. One or both people feel misunderstood and unappreciated by their intimate partner. For instance, Karen, 37, and married seven years to Tom, 38, wishes her husband would be more involved in the lives of their two kids, ages six and eight and not leave so many tasks and decisions up to her. Karen put it like this: “When I got married,... Read more
Hello Terry, I read your blog often but have not seen you write about how a daughter-in-law can deal with a mother-in-law who has boundary issues. I have been married for two years to a loving man, Stephen, 32, who is very close to his family. During our five year courtship, he has spent most Sundays with his parents. The good news is that I usually go along and his mother is fond of me. But her requests for Stephen... Read more
One of the most common complaints of stepparents during counseling sessions is that they’ve tried to be supportive of their stepchild but they often get the cold shoulder or they get inconsistent responses from them. For instance, Monica, 50, married to Bill, 52, for one year, has been kind and caring, toward Kylie, 15, but she often ignores her or says things like “I don’t have to listen to you.” During our session, I explained to Monica that the role... Read more
Studies show that conflict is what creates the most pain and anguish for children after parents’ split, and that keeping parental disagreements to a minimum is a key aspect of helping kids become resilient. Rebecca, 45, and her ex-husband, Ron, 50, have a high conflict relationship and don’t agree on much when it comes to their two children. For instance, Ron feels that their children, ages twelve and fourteen should not get a vaccine for Covid-19 and Rebecca believes it’s... Read more
When couples come to my office for counseling, one of the most common complaints they have is that they take each other for granted and lack appreciation or gratitude. Susannah put it like this: “I know that Thomas loves me but I rarely hear a thank you from him. We just bought a new home, and I’m good with finances and paperwork, so I handled most everything. He simply said something like “what a relief to get the mortgage approved,’... Read more
It is important to empower your daughter to express her feelings after your divorce, because girls tend to derive their self-worth from relationships and they may take things personally. As a result, they may blame themselves and be more vulnerable to the losses associated with a divorce in their family. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that how you talk to your daughter about her feelings and how connected she feels to both of her parents after your... Read more
One of the common themes that arises during couples counseling sessions is jealousy. For instance, when Stacy, 36, talked about anger toward her husband Jeff, 39, it usually came down to her feeling jealous and mistrustful about his relationships with female colleagues and his former girlfriend, Kendra, who was still in touch with him through social media. Jealousy is the polar opposite of trusting someone. Taking ownership of your jealous feelings will allow you to face them head on and... Read more
Many divorced parents contact me and ask for advice about co-parenting with a difficult or high- conflict ex-partner. They often seem surprised that they are still dealing with the same dynamics in their relationship with their ex and ongoing challenges. Marie put it like this: “I thought that after my divorce Tom and I could cooperate more easily but he gives me a hard time about little things, arrives late to pick up our two young children, and tries to... Read more
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