Marriage is not for everyone yet most people in the US wed at some point in their lives. That being said, commitment and even marriage can be a healthy desire if you bring realistic expectations to it. But many adults don’t have a healthy template of intimate relationships to follow, making it difficult to know where to start. Perhaps the first step is reevaluating your view of commitment and adjusting your expectations. Most observers agree that marriage in the US... Read more
When answering this question, it’s important to understand that narcissism exists on a continuum from mild to severe. Narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and other narcissistic traits to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Keep in mind that narcissism is very hard to diagnose – even by experts. The key to making an informed decision about staying or leaving a relationship with someone who you believe has Narcissism, is to become more informed so you can make a conscious choice. Narcissistic Personality Disorder –... Read more
The upheaval that is triggered by going through a divorce can change your perceptions; and can alter your feelings about relationships and expectations for your future. No one gets married with the intention of getting a divorce so you might find yourself ruminating about what went wrong. Now in the midst of a breakup, your brain is being rewired and reconnecting with the world in new ways. How you choose to do this is up to you. It’s an exciting... Read more
Most of us enter into marriage with one or more unrealistic expectations that can predispose us to unhappiness if we don’t tackle them head-on. For instance, when I married my second husband, Craig, I believed that things in our stepfamily should run pretty smoothly because we had fallen deeply in love, shared similar values, and we are both clinical social workers. Truth be told, many couples tie the knot on the rebound or after only dating for a year or... Read more
In an age when people connecting through social media is second nature, some new couples have found that there’s a darker side to being “friends” online. While it’s true that many romantic matches have been made on the internet, researchers have also found that relationships, fragile in their early stages, can be negatively impacted by the kind of jealousy that can be stoked by diving into a partner’s social media posts. A 2010 study by the American Academy of... Read more
Many people complain to me that they aren’t getting their needs met in their relationship, but they fail to ask for what they need in a positive, non-blameful way to begin with. Or, they are not comfortable being vulnerable so they are secretive, withhold information, or are dishonest with their partner. For instance, Keith and Suzanne, both in their early-forties, a couple who I met with for counseling, shared that Suzanne’s mistrust of Keith was leftover baggage from her first... Read more
In my clinical practice, one of the most common complaints I hear from couples is that they have fallen out of love. There are not any easy ways for couples to fall back in love but ending self-defeating relationship patterns is a good first step. Here is how Marissa put it: “I love Kevin but I’m just not in love with him anymore.” When she shares this, Kevin responds, “I know we don’t feel the same way we used to... Read more
From the time I started dating at age sixteen, I’ve often found myself attracted to my polar opposite – for better and for worse. Likewise, I’ve counseled many couples who are drawn to their opposite because of strong chemistry but find day to day married life a struggle due to conflicting interests and needs. What do we know about a couples staying power if they are opposites? Recent research suggests that it depends on what characteristics you are examining. Actually, some... Read more
Dear Terry, I’m divorced and I’ve been dating someone for a few months now. Kyle was basically a friend before we started dating. My kids are seven and nine. They knew him as a friend before and they seem to like him. My ex knows know that I am dating Kyle and we communicate pretty well. Our kids have shared custody and a good relationship with both of us. My ex is dating and we both approve of each other’s... Read more
You will disagree with your partner, that’s a given. But it’s not arguing with him or her that’s the problem, it’s how your differences are managed. Love means risking occasionally getting your feelings hurt because it’s the price you pay for intimacy. Most of us dislike conflict. But while conflict may appear to be a destructive force in relationships, it can actually help us achieve lasting love. In all intimate relationships, conflicting needs for closeness and space exist. When issues come up... Read more
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