Kyla, 38, sat on the couch of my office telling me about her unhealthy relationship with Keith,40, and how after ten years, she was still living with him and putting up with verbal abuse and disrespect. Kyla put it like this, “I’m not sure why I’m still with him. The put downs have gotten worse and my self-esteem is at an all time low. The other day I was driving the car and took a wrong turn (because it was... Read more
Karen, in her late-forties, is an architect whose first marriage ended due to infidelity. She married her husband Brian, 52, on the rebound after a brief courtship. Karen often reacts with fear and suspicion when he returns home late from work or there’s the slightest imperfection in his story. Karen has a tendency to catastrophize when she says to Brian, “You’re always putting work first and you don’t care about me.” In the past, Brian reacted negatively to these accusations,... Read more
When Lauren, 50, described her self-destructive behaviors during a counseling session, it seemed clear that she was in a rut and not working on her goal to stop smoking and become healthier. She seemed defensive whenever I brought up the topic and yet complained about coughing and feeling worried about her lungs and the possibility of developing lung cancer one day. In an April article for The Gottman Institute’s blog, Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart offers readers advice on how to disrupt... Read more
When Maria, thirty-eight, and Ethan, forty, sat on the couch in my counseling office, they spoke about the stress that they experience when discussing money-related issues. Since Maria was laid off from her job, six months ago, they’re having more difficulty paying for their mortgage, household expenses, and both essential and discretionary items for themselves and their two daughters, ages eight and ten. Maria laments, “I’ve been searching for jobs but have not not been able to land one yet.... Read more
Sydney, 39. And Tim, 40, have been attending counseling sessions for over three months and when I asked them what they were doing to celebrate their anniversary this year, they both paused and said they didn’t have plans. Tim reflects, “It doesn’t matter what we do for our anniversary, we never really get along anyway.” Sydney responds, “This is true, it seems hypocritical for us to go out for a pricy dinner when we argue and never really listen to... Read more
Dear Terry, I’m in a relationship with a man who doesn’t respect me and treats me poorly. I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and don’t know how to change this pattern. He won’t end it because I do a lot for him but it rarely seems like he thinks about me or considers my needs. I desperately need your advice because I have two children, ages two and four, and I don’t want them to suffer... Read more
Karen, 42, and Kevin, 41, have been married for ten years and have fallen into the habit of bickering about small things and arguing often. On a daily basis, they no longer show appreciation for each other. As a result, their interactions have begun more negative than positive and they both reported to me (in a couples counseling session), that they would like to experience more happiness in their marriage. Perhaps the first step in overcoming this tendency to be... Read more
During a couples counseling session, Becca, 40, and David, 41, discuss their ongoing problem with communication and how they argue about how to discipline their two young children. David reflects: “I love Becca and she’s a great mom but she is too easy going with our kids. She gives in a lot when they want to read an extra book at night, for example, which makes their bedtime too late. She says I don’t understand the value of reading but... Read more
Let’s face it, most couples in second or third marriages face obstacles that those in first ones just don’t. It’s no surprise that while the divorce rate for first marriages hovers around 45 percent, the rate for second marriages is approximately 67 percent. You might wonder why this is, since intuitively we should learn important lessons from our first marriage and carry those into subsequent ones. Most remarried couples have unrealistic expectations and once the romance of dating and early marriage wears off,... Read more
The relationship a daughter has with her father has a profound impact on her life. When parents’ divorce, it often changes the dynamic of the father-daughter relationship – due to less contact – and it can be a challenge to stay connected. For the most part, a good relationship with an intimate partner is strongly tied to your relationship with your dad. Your father’s presence (or lack of presence) in your life will affect how you will relate to all... Read more
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In