Karen, age 48, had been married to Kyle for five years when she found several letters from his former live-in girlfriend in his dresser drawer when she was putting away his clean clothes. She reflects, “I wasn’t looking for trouble but it presented itself to me and our marriage went sideways after that. I was so angry, jealous and fearful of Kyle leaving that I shut him out and wouldn’t listen to his side of the story.” One of the... Read more
In many ways, relationships are ruled by the routines partners establish for themselves. These patterns create a dynamic and a good, healthy partnership, or can subvert a couple’s chances at happiness and longevity. When I interview couples in my practice during couples counseling sessions, most of them complain about toxic patterns of bickering and criticizing each other. Unfortunately, these patterns often lead to withdrawal and can threaten the stability of their union. For instance, Carolyn and Todd have bitter disagreements... Read more
When a marriage ends because our partner leaves or betrays us, it’s natural to experience feelings of rejection. When we are left, it can be a devastating experience and it can leave us feeling angry, sad, and self-critical – at times ruminating about what went wrong. We may be in shock and feel shaken to the core of our being. Self-defeating thoughts can grab hold because we are vulnerable and trying to make sense of things. However, it’s important to... Read more
We’ve all been there: embroiled in an argument with our partner, caught up in emotion, and perhaps most crucially, unsure of how something seemingly small escalated. The touchy topic of who’s “right” and who’s “wrong” in a conflict between a couple often misses the point and prevents partners from moving beyond the spat in a constructive way that provides tools helpful in avoiding future quarrels. For instance, Alyssa, 35, and Rick, 36, are caught up in an ongoing cycle of... Read more
A national survey found that 84% of women and 82% of men in the US crave commitment and report that being married someday is “very” or “somewhat” important to them. That said, many people seek lasting commitment, often in the form of marriage. This can be a healthy desire if we bring realistic expectations to it. But many adults don’t have a healthy template of marriage to follow when it comes to nurturing and sustaining a committed relationship, making it... Read more
Helping your teenager to make a smooth transition to becoming a more capable and independent person can be complex in a divorced family. Experts explain that adolescence is a time of transition from being a child to establishing an identity different from their parents. This normal process can become more complicated as teens experience the breakup up their parents’ marriage. Although it may take your teen about two years to adjust to your divorce, feelings of sadness or anger may... Read more
It may seem odd that I feel compelled to write about what I owe my kids because they’ve endured my divorce. Yet as an adult child of divorced parents and a mom who has been divorced, it’s my belief that children of divorce are entitled to certain rights. That’s not to say that children raised in intact families don’t have rights – it’s just that children of divorce deserve special consideration. Distinguished divorce researcher Elizabeth Marquardt adds her perspective on... Read more
Caitlin, an outgoing, 35, came to my office for counseling recently and discussed her tendency to pick unsuitable partners. She says, “I always tend to go for men who are emotionally distant. I think it’s because I fear getting hurt and so it allows me to protect myself. I’ve been hurt too many times and I’m wary of exposing myself to emotional pain.” Many people waste time with partners who are not a good match for them. This trend limits... Read more
Elena, 48, and Jason, 52, have been married fifteen years and came to counseling to improve their communication and to stop bickering. Like many couples who I counsel, I asked them both what worked in their marriage and what areas need to be “worked on.” Elena put it like this, “I know Jason works hard and is a good provider but he doesn’t pay enough attention to me. I think he takes me for granted and I feel lonely.” Jason... Read more
When Kevin, 42, and Melissa, 43, attended their first counseling session, they spoke about the lack of connection between them. Sitting on opposite ends of the sofa, they avoided eye contact and seemed hesitant to share their perspective. Kevin put it like this, “Melissa and I have been married ten years and we still have not decided if we are going to have kids because we’re more like roommates than lovers or romantic partners. Part of the problem is that... Read more
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