Let’s face it, many people are not emotionally ready to move on after a breakup and believe that preserving a friendship with their ex (assuming there was one) is useful. While it’s normal to want to undo the past, so often when we try to forge a friendship with our ex-spouse we are blindsided by complications and pitfalls. When my marriage ended, I felt a lot of pressure to maintain a friendship with my ex and found out over time... Read more
For most of my life, I’ve bought into the commonly held belief that good marriages are relatively free of conflict. It may seem obvious to some, but not all, that the best relationships are ones born out of trust and vulnerability. What better way to practice being vulnerable and learning to trust your partner than working through conflict together successfully. When each partner approaches one another as an equal working through conflict can nourish rather than drain a relationship. Differences... Read more
During a recent counseling session, Karen and Joshua, in their late thirties, spoke about their finances, and explained how their debt was causing stress in their relationship. Since they are both self-employed and were paid sporadically, it was easy for debt to build up and most of their discussions about money turned into arguments over the past few years. Married for over a decade and raising two children, they had drifted apart and the last thing they wanted to talk... Read more
When Maria, 37, and Jeff, 38, came to our first session for counseling they both complained about a lack of feeling connected with each other and said they were drifting apart since the CVID-19 pandemic. As they talked, it became apparent that they both spend an excessive amount of time on their computers between work and leisure time. Maria put it like this, “Jeff and I barely talk anymore. We both work at home online and it seems like we’re... Read more
Studies show that conflict is what creates the most pain and anguish for children after parents’ split, and that keeping parental disagreements to a minimum is a key aspect of helping kids become resilient. Over the last few decades, research by child development experts has demonstrated numerous benefits to children when their living arrangements enable support from both parents. One reason is that parents who co-parent tend to experience lower conflict than those who have sole custody arrangements. However, very... Read more
During a recent counseling session, Monica, 40, complained about her two-year daughter Abigail, crying too much and being unsure about how to handle her. Monica put it like this, “My husband Kyle and I disagree about what to do when Abbey cries. He thinks we should let her cry it out and I don’t agree. When we do, she just seems more agitated and it escalates. When I comfort her, she calms down quickly.” In a recent article for the... Read more
Karen, age 48, had been married to Kyle for five years when she found several letters from his former live-in girlfriend in his dresser drawer when she was putting away his clean clothes. She reflects, “I wasn’t looking for trouble but it presented itself to me and our marriage went sideways after that. I was so angry, jealous and fearful of Kyle leaving that I shut him out and wouldn’t listen to his side of the story.” One of the... Read more
In many ways, relationships are ruled by the routines partners establish for themselves. These patterns create a dynamic and a good, healthy partnership, or can subvert a couple’s chances at happiness and longevity. When I interview couples in my practice during couples counseling sessions, most of them complain about toxic patterns of bickering and criticizing each other. Unfortunately, these patterns often lead to withdrawal and can threaten the stability of their union. For instance, Carolyn and Todd have bitter disagreements... Read more
When a marriage ends because our partner leaves or betrays us, it’s natural to experience feelings of rejection. When we are left, it can be a devastating experience and it can leave us feeling angry, sad, and self-critical – at times ruminating about what went wrong. We may be in shock and feel shaken to the core of our being. Self-defeating thoughts can grab hold because we are vulnerable and trying to make sense of things. However, it’s important to... Read more
We’ve all been there: embroiled in an argument with our partner, caught up in emotion, and perhaps most crucially, unsure of how something seemingly small escalated. The touchy topic of who’s “right” and who’s “wrong” in a conflict between a couple often misses the point and prevents partners from moving beyond the spat in a constructive way that provides tools helpful in avoiding future quarrels. For instance, Alyssa, 35, and Rick, 36, are caught up in an ongoing cycle of... Read more
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