Obama & Co Theater: Chaos & Cajolery UPDATED

Obama & Co Theater: Chaos & Cajolery UPDATED March 18, 2009

Okay, so…60 days into this new presidency, it looks to me like we’re going to spend the next four years watching a non-stop play of infinite acts. With none of the wit or wisdom of Pride & Prejudice, Obama and Company are going to treat us to Chaos & Cajolery.

Basically, the theater production is 137 acts (presented without intermission) of Barack Obama and/or any one of his supporting players (from the veep, the speaker, the secstate, the sectreas and on down to the lowly press secretary) engaged in misdirection and keen sleights-of-hand by means of…well…chaos and cajolery.

This is more than Kabuki Theater. This is more than a burlesque three-step. This is a full-on assault on reality by the office of the Most Powerful Person in the World, fully supported by the pretend-press, and it is alternately tedious and terrifying.

Here’s how it works:

(CHAOS) You spend a few months trash-talking a nation’s economy, and calling it a dire catastrophe, then you (CAJOLERY) shrug and say, “no, man, it’s not that bad; people over-react.”

You say (CAJOLERY) “we need to put on the brakes” then you (CHAOS) step on the accelerator, and toss money out of the car as it flies off the cliff, so that at least everyone is partying/suffering together.

You say (CAJOLERY) “our service people deserve our best,” (you even get your wife in on that one) and then you say, (CHAOS) “but you know…not our financial and medical help for injuries sustained while serving us.” Then you Spin while Dancing in Place (CAJOLERY?)

You say, (CAJOLERY) “these AIG bonuses are unconscionable; we should not be rewarding failure,” but you (CHAOS) don’t ask Jamie Gorelick or Franklin Raines – who made millions and millions of dollars in bonus money, while mismanaging Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae – to cough up their ill-gotten booty. Then you plan further Fannie and Freddie Bonuses. This is a tricky scene, because the right hand must not be allowed to see what the left hand is doing.

You say, (CAJOLERY) “this guy is the indispensable man to fix the economy.” Then you say, (CHAOS) “well, yeah…he did oversee these AIG bailouts with the bonuses.” There is some unicycle-esque pedaling back-and-forth.

You say, (CHAOS) “we didn’t even know about these contractual bonuses,” and then you say, “well, we did. But we didn’t. But someone slipped them into the stimulus. (CAJOLERY) But no one we know. And (CHAOS) the bad guys are the businessmen! Even though they all contributed to our campaigns!

You say: (CAJOLERY) These AIG guys should do the decent thing and commit suicide, then you (CHAOS) don’t even guarantee their anonymity when their safety is a concern.

You say, (CHAOS) you’re too tired from fixing all these dire emergencies to do the “smart diplomacy” part right.” Then you (CAJOLERY) go spend a surprising amount of time rounding up sports things.

You support (CAJOLERY) your laborsec’s right to a secret ballot, then you (CHAOS) wink…and push to take away a union member’s right to a secret-ballot.

You say, (CHAOS) “the planet is going to die from carbon, even if carbon is people!” We all need a green revolution! I’m going tax your ass off for your energy usage and call it “cap and trade,” so you have no idea what the hell it all means.” Then you (CAJOLERY) cue up Air Force One nearly every week to continue the “endless campaign” where you smile and joke and smile some more, until everyone tilts the head and says, “awww…what a nice guy…”

You tell everyone (CAJOLERY) you are going to “remake” America into a people’s paradise. But you never tell them what that historically has meant, or (CHAOS) who wrote that particular script. Or how it gets played.

Your Ministry of Culture will provide the reviews.

Oh, and before the play is over – after each incredible scene – you take a bow. The press will help paint over the missed lines.

Then bow some more, (CHAOS) while you take control of the census, by hook or (CAJOLERY) by crook. “Oh, those guys? They’re just guys I know from the neighborhood…”

And the best part about this bit of theater? You don’t have to know a thing or learn a line. (CAJOLERY) The teleprompter is always there, and (CHAOS, CHAOS, CHAOS) less visible all the time.

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