“Slovenly!” New from KardashianFashian! UPDATED

“Slovenly!” New from KardashianFashian! UPDATED December 11, 2014

I’m sorry to rant, but I just don’t get it.

I mean, it’s one thing for extremely rich celebrities to do their everyman-poseur thing with the ripped jeans and tee shirts; their homage to working class people (who would very likely love to afford better wardrobes) has been old hat for decades.

But this! This I really don’t get:

Go HERE to see what I’m talking about!

Why would someone as rich as Kim Kardashian — with stylists and handlers all around her — go out in public wearing something that is so ill-fitting, so unmatched, so ugly, and so poorly constructed that the hem appears to be coming down? Does one wear something like this, and consent to looking like one’s breasts are being supported by a Disney hat gone very, very wrong, in order to satiate an unquenchable need to be noticed and talked about?

Or, is this an opening salvo for a new line of Kardasian Kouture? Next Fashion Week, imagine the runways, bombarding us with “KardashianFashian: Bump-and-Grind Wear for Moms After the Champagne Glass Breaks!”

I can see it now: the lights go up, the music begins — a thumping, beat-box version of “Wouldn’t it be Slovenly”:

All I want is
perky pair
all exposed
to the cold night air
with skirts
about to tear
oh wouuuuldn’t it
be slovenly!

Then, one after another, bored-looking models emerge from behind curtains wearing clothing several sizes too small; satins mixed with tweeds! Seams splitting! Safety pins, to emphasize the patterns! Because “patterns” sounds like “Saturn’s” and “Saturn’s” sound like “slatterns” and “Saturn’s Slatterns” is actually the name of our new Reality-Show-and-Spring-Fragrance, exclusively at KKKouture!

You know how the show ends, right? The last model comes out wearing nothing but a beast pump on her chest and a champagne glass on her ass, and there are free Kahlua-and-Milk specials for everyone within the splatter zone!

Seriously, this is so bad that even the girls at Go Fug Yourself had no words.

Hey, people seem to eat this garbage up, so maybe I’m the one who is off, here. Who am I to judge?

Hey, it’s better than this
“Golden Penis Charm Necklace that looks like a cross (yes, it’s a real thing and if you click through, you’re warned).

I really wish everyone would put their penises and their breasts away; they’re neither titillating nor shocking. They’re actually pretty boring, at this point. All of the “daring” people are managing to make sex boring.

Mystery is always sexier.

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