it’s almost funny, if it weren’t so terrible sad…

… this week has been a rather unfortunate one, full of mishaps and malfunctions.

Last week, a perfectly nice gentleman I was acquainted with asked me to join him for dinner. I happily accepted. We exchanged numbers and asked him to call me to work out the finer details. I had a date.

Aw. This sounds like the beginning of a happy story, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not. Remember whose blog you’re reading. What follows is a true recollection of the events as they unfolded.

Quite pleased with myself that a fine gentleman asked me to dine with him, I went about my normal daily activities in a much better mood. At some point the following day I turned the ringer off on my cell phone. I usually have to at work.

Naturally, I missed his call. But so much time had passed before I noticed the missed call and voice mail, it was far too late in the evening to call him back. It would have to wait till the following evening when I got home from work. Which I did promptly. Only he didn’t answer, so I left a message. Then I made dinner, put my son to bed, and decided to retire to the tub.

Here is where things get comically stupid.

He called me back the minute I stepped into the tub. Thirty minutes later I called him back and left another message in response to his.

The next day he called me back… the second I went to the bathroom. You can see where this is going? Over the course of three days, every single time he called I was indisposed and unable to take his call. I was too embarrassed to go into detail on a voice mail why I kept missing his call. Would he really believe it was just unbelievably bad timing or secretly wonder if I suffered from incontinence or kidney failure. Neither condition is terribly attractive to a potential suitor.

I actually spent an entire day in a constant state of fear of using the toilet. I even took my cell in the bathroom with me and stood there for a few minutes trying to will it to ring. Craziness.

Desperate, I also tried other bathrooms. At the movie theater. At work. At a friend’s house. But it knew. That bastard piece of technology. Do you know how crazy it sounds to tell someone “Hang on. I just want to go stand in that bathroom over there. I’m expecting a call.” Well I know. It sounds crazy.

The last time he called, which was two days ago, he left a very curt message. I’m sure he thinks I’m some flake or was having a laugh at his expense. Or just very very insane. You don’t need me to tell you there was never a date.