My Conversation with a Beaver

So, there’s a family of beavers that live in a slough on my family’s land in northern Minnesota.  And they take advantage of the culvert that runs underneath our road to raise the water level in the slough.  I had the opportunity to sit down with the patriarch of the colony.  Here’s how the conversation went:

TJ: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.  Look, we’re really frustrated that you keep clogging up the culvert.  If the slough backs up too high, the water will come over our road and wash it out.  That would suck.

Beaver: What sucks is not having enough water in the slough.  We need a certain amount of water to live comfortably.

TJ: We know that.  That’s why we put boards in the culvert to regulate the water height.  We always make sure there’s plenty of water in the slough for your purposes.

Beaver: I don’t trust your new-fangled boards, and I don’t trust your regulation.

TJ: But we want water in the slough, too.  We keep the water level high because we want fish, waterfowl, and vegetation, as well as your family to thrive.

Beaver: My dams are better than your boards.

TJ: Actually, that’s false.  The innovation of processed lumber means that we can drop three or four boards into metal grooves in less than a minute and achieve the same results that it takes you and your family weeks to achieve.  It’s called progress.  The board-and-groove system is qualitatively better than your dam system.  Not only is it easier and more efficient, it will save hundreds of trees per year that you and your family kill.

Beaver: No.

TJ: What do you mean, “No”?

Beaver: I mean, no, I reject your argument.  And I reject progress.  And I think you’re a communist socialist marxist.

TJ: But the board-and-groove innovation means that you and your family could actually be better capitalists.  Instead of spending every waking hour chewing down trees and building dams and lodges, you could trust us to regulate your water flow and get on to more lucrative work, like being teeth models.

Beaver: Like I said, no.

At that point, I threw up my hands and walked back to the cabin, where I prepped the beaver trap.