Nice Guys and Casual Dates [Sequence Index]

Nice Guys and Casual Dates [Sequence Index] September 15, 2014


In the Fall, a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of… friendzoning?  In September 2014, several other bloggers and I wound up in a dialogue about friendship, romance, and the very rickety bridge that connects them. We talked about the why of the frustration behind, “But I’m a Nice Guy!” (not to mention the frustration that girls feel when they get hit by that phrase) and the societal shifts that may make it a lot harder to date and discern marriage.

  1. “Why is it easier to ask out strangers than friends?” — A historical proposal for restoring low-stakes dating
  2. Meanwhile…“Radicalizing the Romanceless” at Slate Star Codex, upon which the next post riffs
  3. “Nice Guys and Failed Tries” — The “successful jerks” who get girls to go out/have sex with them may be failing differently than rather than triumphing over Nice Guys
  4. “Friendzones and Fairness” — Emphasizing an ineffable “spark” as key to attraction/romance leaves pretty much everyone frustrated with the absence of a rulebook
  5. Meanwhile… “Nice Guys — How Deep is Your Love?” at Shadows on the Road, upon which the next two riff
  6. “More Reasons to Encourage Casual Dating” — If it’s common to wait til you’re in love to ask people out, odds are, the person you’re surprising with your passion can’t match it
  7. “Nice Guys, Conjoined Twins, and Starving for Love” — The more that intimacy is limited to romantic/sexual relationships, the more horrible it is to be excluded from them
  8. “The Loves We Need from Other People” — Sublimation and substitution aren’t a realistic solution to the absence of intimacy
  9. “If Someone Put Me in Charge of Yenta-ing You All” — The dating website I would design, if I had a startup


The solution at the end of all this?  Try to seek out exalted and intimate friendships, so romantic/sexual relationships aren’t the only way to wind up close to others, and… possibly pass your inamorata’s friend a note middle school style?

Ah well, in the words of the Muppets on rewriting social norms (or breaking into art galleries):

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I suggest we jump.
Fozzie: Are you crazy? That’s at least a hundred feet!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I didn’t say it was a *good* suggestion.
Beauregard: Maybe we could jump part-way.

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