The Date for the End of the World REVEALED!!!

Courtesy of Pixabay

There have been a multitude of end-of-the-world predictions concocted throughout my lifetime. Too many to count in fact. The latest comes from this crackpot named Mathieu Jean-Marc Rodrigue, who claims that according to the Bible, June 24, 2018 will be that fateful day. Somehow or another, if you do some calculations based on crop prices, a passage from the book of Revelations (yes, with an “s”), and some other nonsense that I can’t quite follow, you’ll come up with this date.

Because of this hocus-pocus, I wanted to take a moment to set the record straight. The end of the world won’t happen on June 24—not according to my calculations anyway.

Here’s what I’ve come up with.

First, if we assume Jesus died in 33 AD, it is then safe to say that we can take that number and multiply it by 66, the total number of books in the Protestant canon. What we get is 2,178. Now, if we then take the current price of wheat per bushel ($5.1050 in US dollars) and multiply it by how many parables are in the book of Matthew (23), we’ll get 117.415. If we round down to 117, what is interesting is that if you add up all the digits, you’ll get 9. And as we all know, 9 divided by 3 is 3—3 being the total number of members of the Holy Trinity.

Now, this is where things start to get interesting. If you take our first calculation (2,178) and subtract our second number (117), you’ll get 2,061. What is so interesting about 2,061? Nothing. But if you invert the last two digits, you’ll get 2016, the year Donald Trump was elected. This marks the start of the Great Tribulation.

If we then work forward from November 9, 2016, things will start to become crystal clear. What we have to do is count how many verses are in the bible (the Protestant canon of course!), and then divide that number by the total number of Presidents the US has had. Here’s what I came up with: 31,102 verses / 45 Presidents = 691. That is how many days need to pass from the time of the election until the end of the world. If we count forward 691 days from November 9, 2016, we’ll land on October 1, 2018, or 10/1/2018.

This is a very interesting date indeed. If you add up the digits of this date (1 + 0 + 1 + 2 + 0 +1 + 8) you’ll get 13. 13 is fascinating because, as the Bible clearly states, there is 1 God in 3 Persons—13. This proves that my calculations are divinely inspired.

So, there you have it. You don’t have to be afraid that your summer plans will be cut short. You will, however, miss out on the next Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. But don’t fret, those are evil, pagan holidays anyway.

What do you think? Is the world going to end on October 1, 2018? It seems just as plausible as all the other predictions, does it not?

Cheers! Oh, and enjoy the Apocalypse.

Matthew J. Distefano is a world-renowned biblical numerologist. This is his first (of many!) end of the world predictions. Be on the lookout for his forthcoming book "How to Dupe Stupid People: A Course in Ripping Off Gullible Christians," which comes out October 2, 2018. You can read more about the author here.
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  • The Mouse Avenger

    Well said. (claps)

    And, besides, doesn’t Revelations say that only God Himself knows the hour or the day that Apocalypse will occur? Therefore, all these mortal “predictions” will naturally fall way short, wouldn’t you agree?

  • Kevin K

    The world already ended April 23, didn’t it? It was in all the papers.

  • I’m not sure if it says that in Revelations, but it does in Revelation 😉

  • Where are you writing this from 😉 ?

  • Darth Jibbles

    what’s the over/under on how long it takes for someone to not realize this is satire and start claiming this as the next end of the world date?

  • Depends on how far and wide it gets shared.

  • Kevin K

    Wouldn’t you like to know!

  • Kevin K

    Someone is probably already making a YouTube video, linking it to the appearance Nibiru.

  • Nooooooo! I must have missed the Rapture.

  • I really hope so 😉

  • Kevin K

    I have been trying for years to create a conspiracy theory so wacky that it becomes mainstream among the wackaloons. Sadly, I have yet to succeed. But if Alex Jones can do it, so can I!!

  • That’s how the Flat Earth Society started.

  • Kevin K

    I am soooo jealous …

  • Right? Although I bet that person has done one or two facepalms since its conception.

  • Makes as much sense as all the other predictions.

  • In a way, we did. Remember, our friend Paul was certain of the second coming in his lifetime. I like to point out to the Christian biblical literalists this means we’re all just the descendants of those who didn’t make the grade and get raptured.

  • Ellen Hammond

    This is priceless! It ‘clearly’ points to the correct date the world will end. LOL I wonder how many people are running with these numbers already. Love it!!!

  • God, I hope people aren’t that dumb.

  • LiberalTimeLord

    Facepalm! How many times has the Earth supposedly suppose to be gone in the last few years??? What a load of BS!

  • RonT

    This discussion is a waste of time, ink, and computer pixels. Any Christian, even one with almost total lack of Biblical knowledge, would not waste time on such a useless discussion. As Jesus is quoted in Matthew 24:36 King James Version (KJV) states: 36 “But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.” Does the Bible actually speak of an end of the world? Like maybe we will be hit by an asteroid and be totally obliterated? Some got it.

  • It’s satire, homeboy.

  • It fucking satire, smart stuff.

  • RonT

    I made the assumption that you were being satirical, at least I hoped. If the starting point was believable, I think there may have been some case for humor; however, I do compliment you on your math. No joke! You made a leap in a place, I know – satire, or two, but you did develop your point.

  • Ellen Hammond

    If you work with the public for years, you discover some really are lol

  • Most people find it funny. It’s fine if you don’t.

  • summers-lad

    This has to be the first prediction that the world will end in stages, one country at a time. You have included US dollars so your calculation only applies to the USA. Canadian dollars, pounds, euros, roubles, yen etc will all give different answers. I need to work out whether we in Britain have lengthened or shortened our life expectancy by not joining the Eurozone. And analysts the world over will be re-evaluating currencies, so expect some massive changes in the financial markets as they adjust to your calculations. Or maybe just a huge increase in the price of wheat.

  • It’s satire

  • Tom McCool

    Dang! My birthday is June 24! Can the end of the world please wait until after I’ve had my cake and ice cream?

  • summers-lad

    Yes I know. I was trying to enter into the spirit of it by adding a little extra craziness.

  • The Mouse Avenger

    Oh-ho-ho, how clever of you to point that out! XD (The name of that book always trips me up…)

  • 🙂 Very good!

  • Tim

    Lol. Well-played.

    I’m pretty sure the “end of the world” (or more properly, age) that the bible was actually referring to, occurred about 70 AD.

  • Brad Feaker

    Actually I CAN predict the end of the world…approximately. In about 5 billion years (plus or minus a few million years) when Sol goes red giant 🙂 Now, for when our species goes extinct? That is looking more and more like we are rushing headlong towards it right now.

    Nice humor – enjoyed it.