Just a Quick Interlude

First, thank you all so much for voting for me in the Cannonballs. Guess what? I won!

I am currently basking in my slightly-above-average mediocrity. Later I’ll be basking in vodka, too, which will just tie this day together in a neat little bow of triumph and tragedy.

I know you’re all on the edge of your seats, wondering if we did indeed become a victim of the American version of Ebola (minus the whole pesky spewing blood thing) and if the house in which we reside is currently under a giant yellow government-funded circus tent with “QUARANTINE — THESE KIDS WILL SERIOUSLY PUKE ON YOU” written on it.

But you’re not going to find out if that’s the case today.

Today, I just have to pop in quickly to say the following.

On the day they sent me home from the hospital with Sienna, I got very panicky. The nurse said, “You’re free to go home now!” and I said, “Are you kidding? I can’t take care of this baby. What am I going to do when I can’t send her back to the nursery?” Luckily the Ogre was there, and he grimaced at me, grimaced at the nurse, swept up the baby-filled car-seat and stomped off to be the adult in our lives.

At that moment, I was glad he had chosen that role to play, so I didn’t have to.

At this moment, I wonder when it was that I suddenly became enough of a grown up to deal with sand in a little girl’s nether regions and a baby boy who won’t get his fingers off his penis no matter what else is coming out of it.

Seriously, why? Why, oh my children, are you such savages?

Look, I say to my daughter. This is a civilized (erm, ish) country. You can’t just shovel sand down your underwear when you’re in the sandbox because you want to see how much will fit. You just can’t do that. First, because it’s an extremely bizarre and strange thing to do. I know you’re small, though, so I’ll forgive you your inability to realize that your behavior qualifies you for some intense psychotherapy sessions. Let’s move on to reason two. You see those tears that are rolling down your cheeks? You hear those wails that are coming from your mouth? That’s reason #2 why you shouldn’t shove sand down your underwear. Because it hurts. It hurt when you did the same thing last week, and it hurts again today. And it will continue hurting each and every time you choose to do something that foolish. So please stop.

And then I turn to my son, who has both hands shoved gleefully down what is most certainly, given the smell, and extremely dirty diaper and I say, “NO!” Because, well, he’s thirteen months old and pretty much anything I say sounds like this to him:

Image by Allie Bosh of Hyperbole and a Half

And then I clean them up, because no one else is going to do it. And after all, I can’t just leave them like that.

Can I?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10755406094939522956 Lisa

    HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, my. You gave me quite a laugh today. Not because it's particularly funny (as I'm sure it wasn't in the midst of it), but because you paint such a funny picture and I HAVE BEEN THERE! I only have one kid, but I watch several others, and when they were all age two…well, things would be very interesting back in those days. We used to have cats who had a bad habit of smearing their poopy rears all over the side of the bathtub. But two-year-olds with hands in dirty pants can cause SOOOO much more damage.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14638075878905614981 Stacy Trasancos


  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17887429052179249473 Dwija {House Unseen}

    I think I read somewhere that you can leave them like that for a little while…right? I'm right, right?

  • http://stmonicasbridge.wordpress.com Kristen @ St Monica’s Bridge

    LOVE this! I know you didn't see it on facebook, but I was so thrilled the second it showed up in Google reader I was congratulating you, Simcha and Hallie :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06294471057002270306 Sunday

    Baby powder helps get sand off, except WAY DEEP in the nether regions. :)Congratulations! I really enjoy reading your just barely above average blog!

  • Anonymous

    Congrats!! That reminds me of the time my 2 yr old smeared his dirty diaper hands on my 3 DAY OLD's face. I didn't know whether to vomit, cry, or cover the baby in hand sanitizer. Boys…*sigh*

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15778596300503008018 J M Yaceczko

    Love love love.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05117120475033380036 Emily G.

    Calah, you've made my day. I was sure my son was the only one who can't keep his hands off his little penis to save his soul. As soon as I take a poopy diaper off to change it…down go the hands. In the shower he holds onto it while peeing. It grosses me out and I was sure there was something wrong with him. There may be (besides the fact that he's male), but at least he's got a friend with the same 'problem'. Now we're not alone any more. :)Oh, and now I have two reasons to not get a sand box (my husband won't consider "I'm too lazy to clean sand off the kids" a valid reason). Previously I had only one: my neighbor has 10 cats.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01659200420621854710 Maggie

    How funny you mention your son's fascination with his tally-wacker, because my son (who just turned one) discovered his in the bathtub last night. We were even recording him because he was being all cute and splashing and laughing. Then he went into exploratory mode.That second picture made me laugh hysterically. I don't know why, but I think it is hilarious!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12557248434888642114 Melanie B

    I second the recommendation for baby powered to help with the sand. It helps.