Conversations with the Ogre

Me: “I want to make sure that I get my license renewed before you leave for Poland, so that I don’t have to worry about it while my mom’s here.”

The Ogre: “Why don’t you just do it when she’s here, so you have someone to watch the kids?”

Me: “Because I just want to do fun stuff while she’s here, like go to the beach. I’m losing my tan.”

The Ogre: “Horror of horrors!”

Me: “What? I like being tan. Having a tan makes me happy.”

The Ogre: “Well at least I don’t ever have to remind you that you’re vain.”

Me: ” Oh come on, I could be so much vainer.”

The Ogre: “That’s not an argument! That’s like Pol Pot saying, ‘Come on, guys, I could be so much worse! At least I’m not Hitler’.”

Me: “Well, he wasn’t.”

  • Claire

    Fun fact, Pol Pot actually killed a greater percentage of his population than Hitler.

    • Calah Alexander

      You’re ruining my point.

  • Steve

    So why exactly do you call him Ogre? Is he hideously ugly or did he take up cannibalism at one point in his life?

    • Calah Alexander


    • Calah Alexander

      Sorry, I couldn’t resist that. Really it’s because he’s hairy (Greek) and gruff, and seems standoffish and kind of angry, but he’s probably absorbed in contemplation of Donne. He’s the best man on the planet and I love him to death. Still, most people seem to think he’s Ogre-ish. Like in college, he and his brother were nicknamed the Angry Lumberjacks due to their ogre-ish demeanors and unfortunately propensities for flannel shirts. Maybe you’d only get it if you met him.

  • KarenJo12

    He has layers, like an onion?

  • KarenJo12

    Oh, and on vanity? My great-aunt lived to be 101 and ten months, 100 years of which she lived on her own. She took her Estee Lauder wrinkle cream, high heels, and Youth Dew bath oil to the nursing home. Vanity = longevity.