Ten reasons your sex life is terrible

Ten reasons your sex life is terrible February 24, 2015

couple in bed not talking

I’ve interacted with thousands of married couples (both online and in person) and I’ve discovered an alarming trend along the way…most couples are discouraged by the state of their sex lives. Most of these couples aren’t sure why their sex life is so disappointing, so they have no idea where to start to correct the problem.

Married couples shouldn’t live in a perpetual state of sexual dysfunction and disappointment. I know the reasons that cause sexual tension can be very complex, but I’m convinced that the most common ten reasons are the ones below.

I hope this list helps spark some healthy dialogue in your marriage and you’ll commit to working together to improve the sexual intimacy and satisfaction in your relationship. It takes more than sex to build a strong marriage, but it’s nearly impossible to build a strong marriage without it!

(In no particular order):

1. Past abuse.

Tragically, many people have experienced some form of sexual abuse in their past. Abuse can cause deep and lasting scars. If you’re haunted by the pain of abuse, I encourage you to seek out counseling. Not just for the sake of your sex life, but for your peace of mind and emotional healing.

2. Hormonal imbalance.

Sometimes, a lack of sex drive or satisfaction can be attribute to an imbalance of your hormones. If you think this might be an issue for you, ask your doctor. There are some very effective treatment options that will not only help with sex, but will often also help you feel much better overall.

3. Lack of communication.

I’m amazed at how many couples simply don’t talk about the sexual aspect of their marriage. Talk about it. Share your fears, your fantasies and your frustrations. We’ve created a new video course called “Best Sex Life Now” to help you.

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4. Secrecy.

Secrecy is an enemy of intimacy. Sometimes a lack of connection sexually is a symptom of a deeper trust issue in the marriage. For more on this, check out my FREE video on “How to build intimacy and trust in marriage.”

5. Poor physical health.

If you’re out of shape, you’re probably not going to have a vibrant sex life. Strive to make physical health (eating right, working out, etc.) a priority in your marriage. It will lead to more happiness and satisfaction both in and out of the bedroom.

6. Mental infidelity.

This one is going to step on some toes, but true intimacy in marriage requires not only physical monogamy, but also mental monogamy. Porn and racy romance novels and rewired our brains to live in a fantasy world that doesn’t involve our spouses. For more on this, read my popular post on “The Truth about Porn” (by clicking here).

7. Resentment.

If there’s a lack of forgiveness in your marriage, it will create a toxic force that will harm your sex life and most every other part of your relationship. If you’re not sure how to forgive and rebuilt trust in a healing, healthy way, check out my post on “How to rebuild trust” by clicking here.

8. Feelings of inadequacy.

We’re bombarded by airbrushed images of physical “perfection” and they can lead to unrealistic expectations and feelings of inadequacy. If you’ve fallen victim to this, talk about it with your spouse. Build each others’ confidence.

If you want a safe place to get your questions answered and learn from other couples who share your values, Join us for a weekly call-in discussion on sexual intimacy in marriage.

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9. Sex as a bargaining chip.

Whenever you take on the mindset that sex can be given as a reward or withheld as a punishment in your marriage, it cheapens sex and eventually causes resentment. When sex is seen as a transactional relationship (I’ll do this for you if you’ll do something for me), then your treating your spouse like a prostitute.

10. Exhaustion.

For those of you who have young kids at home or crazy work hours, you know how exhaustion can take a toll on the libido. If you’re in an exhausting seasons of life, take a minute to read this Encouragement for the Exhausted.

11. You fill in the blank.

No two relationships are exactly the same, so your main issue may be nowhere on this list. Whatever your struggle may be, talk about it with your spouse. Work together to find a solution. Your marriage is always worth fighting for!

For more marriage-building tools, check out my bestselling book, “iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage”

iVow front cover Amazon.com

For more tools to help you build a rock-solid marriage and a red hot sex life, check out our series, “Best Sex Life Now”

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For daily encouragement, connect with me on Facebook. If you’re on twitter, you can connect with me by clicking here.

If this post encouraged you, please share it on social media, so we can encourage others!

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Guest

    I wish my husband would do that GoodDad… I work my butt off at the gym to be that “physical attraction” to my husband & have yet to receive a compliment. Not to toot my own horn, but I have a runner/athletic build. I know his love language is physical touch & with a close second is words of affirmation. So, I give him sex at least 4 times a week & write words of encouragement on our mirror. I don’t know what else to do to get his attention…

  • Unknown

    I wish my husband would do that GoodDad… I work my butt off at the gym to be that “physical attraction” to my husband & have yet to receive a compliment. Not to toot my own horn, but I have a runner/athletic build. I know his love language is physical touch & with a close second is words of affirmation. So, I give him sex at least 4 times a week & write words of encouragement on our mirror. I don’t know what else to do to get his attention…

  • David W. Carr

    Wow your husband really does not get it! It sounds like he is pretty narcissistic based on what you shared here. I suggest he check out the Discovering the Mind of a Woman by Ken Nair. Marriage is learning about how to love another person and it sounds like you are doing pretty well at that, but he needs to engage, cherish and nourish you.