The Naked Truth About Dress Codes

Women’s bodies sure are controversial these days.

And not just in the political/ideological sense regarding reproductive rights and healthcare. I mean just–there is fundamentally something offensive and confusing about curves, cleavage and knees. And I guess now, bones.

A girl at a Kentucky High School was sent home for wearing a top that was very, very revealing… of her collar bones. 

 The Missouri Legislature figured that maybe a stricter dress code would cut down on sexual harassment claims among young interns. 

 And Donald Trump is still the front-runner in the Republican GOP race… in spite of a well-documented history of misogyny, sexism, and just all around oafishness. (Yes, that’s a word. Look it up in the dictionary and it will appear next to an image of a ridiculous toupee.) 

Listen. About women’s bodies. We have them. They’re a thing. A body is not, like Santa Clause, something that you can choose to acknowledge as reality, or not. A body is not like a tax law, to be voted yes or no upon. All this controversy is confounding. Our bodies exist. We walk around in them. We are kind of attached to them.

How other people choose to act in proximity of a breast is distinctly not our problem.

Yes, there are appropriate ways to dress for a professional setting; yes, there certain things should probably not be worn to school. But since those boundaries are ambiguous and situational, the people in charge of defining them often err on the side of JUST COVER IT UP, GIRLS, AND MAKE IT EASIER FOR US.

But that approach implies a couple of things that are problematic for both men and women. Like that men are animals who cannot control their urge to hump every lamp post that looks like a woman’s leg. I have not found this to be true of (most) men, and it is pretty insulting to (most) of their intelligence that I might need to wear a burka so that they can focus on their math homework or whatever.

Furthermore, the implication that women need to hide their business in order to DO business, is the very heart of rape culture. Every time we tell a girl–I don’t care how old she is–that it’s her responsibility to dress modestly so that she does not ‘tempt’ a boy to behave badly, then we reinforce the notion that a man is entitled to an opinion on her body. Which points to the nearby truth that a man is entitled articulate that opinion via inappropriate comments (exhibit Trump, y’all); which is a very close neighbor to the assumption that men are entitled to women’s bodies.

And we are frighteningly aware: that last part is more than implied in our cultural reality.

As a woman, I struggle to dress myself: to find that balance between function and fashion; between what is comfortable and what is ‘grown-up’ work clothes; what is flattering and what is going to draw unwanted comments from the peanut gallery. It is way more complicated than it needs to be.

As a mother of a daughter, I also struggle to find, and model, good boundaries. I see girls walking to high school in shorts-that-are-really-denim-panties, and I think, oh, HELL no, my kid would not be let out of the house in that. My inner Tim Gunn regularly shouts LEGGINGS AREN’T PANTS. And I fight the urge to approach women wearing 4-inch stilettos and say, “Sister. You are ruining your feet. And who’s it for?” If they said “I wear them for ME, because they make me feel beautiful and strong!” then I would say, ok-then. (But I may or may not believe them because there is no “for me” in that kind of misery, girls).

Here’s the thing. I’m not the boss of other people’s feet. Or legs or ass cheeks, for that matter.

Having good boundaries for ourselves, expecting professionalism in the workplace, and even wanting to teach our daughters about modesty and GOOD TASTE for heaven’s sake, is not the same thing as policing women’s bodies in official, systemic ways.

So what we need to do is change the conversation.

When the time comes for me to say, “no ma’am, you are not wearing those shorts to school,” it will not have anything to do with boys. It will not be “because you are “asking for it,'” or “because they will say bad things to you,” or “Because you look like trashy.” It will be because I want for HER to value herself for more than just the skin she’s in. I want her to understand that her body belongs to her, and that some parts of it are not to be shared with the public at large. Not because the parts are shameful, but because maybe it makes you forget–especially when you are young–that the world around you is not entitled to ALL of you. Also, I maybe a little bit want her to avoid being tacky. Just a mother’s dream…

But mostly, I want her to think about how she presents herself to the world, as the whole and unique person she is, and not just as a body–or the parts of the body that draw the most attention. And I want her to be aware of how patriarchy has “dressed” women, forever–even when it feels like we are making our own choices.

Believe it or not, I’m hopeful. Because there’s evidence, even in the examples I started with ^^, that this conversation is shifting.

In Woodford County…that student’s mother has started a movement; and the school is now reassessing it’s Draconian standards, with a group of students serving as leaders in the conversation.

The Missouri Legislature has reconsidered its proposal as well. They figured that perhaps instead of putting the female interns in HASMAT suits, what we need to do is expect that these Grown-Ass Men–who are elected officials–should maybe learn to keep it in their pants.

And when Donald Trump said that Heidi Klum was no longer a ’10’–in a really grotesque display of that whole entitlement thing because WHOTF ASKED HIM?? –she shot back with a great video, and ultimately, this response: ALL WOMEN ARE TENS.

I’d call this progress. Slow but steady.

Wear what you want, ladies. Let your inner Tim Gunn be your guide. And fellas, thank you in advance for carrying on as though you have not been utterly discombobulated by our amazing goddess bodies. You are smarter and kinder and far more civilized than Mr. Trump would have us believe…

If you’d tell him so, we would appreciate it. And also, don’t vote for him. Just… don’t be that guy.