First Germany. Then Korea. Now PAKISTAN!

June 18, 2008 By John Shore

Remember my New Year’s Resolution to finally take over the world? (If not, see New Year’s Resolution #1: Take Over World.) You may have scoffed at my ambitions. Well, scoff while you can, monkey-person! Because while you’ve been lolling about, eating pizza, surfing the web, and wondering what the word “loll” actually means, I’ve been stealthily executing Plan A. I knew it was only a matter of time before the major, international media outlet The Pakistan Spectator approached me for an... Read more

More Fun With Animals: What Obama’s Supporters Look Like To McCain

June 17, 2008 By John Shore

Moronically loyal. Dreadlocked. Blind. Prone to fleas. High maintenance. Hot. (Thanks, Jon Gilbert!) See also: And Finally: What McCain Supporters Look Like To Obama, How John McCain Sees Barack Obama, How Barack Obama Sees John McCain, What Hillary Looks Like in Obama’s Dreams, What Obama Looks Like In Hillary’s Dreams. Read more

How John McCain Sees Barack Obama

June 16, 2008 By John Shore

The above is a picture of: A. How John Mcain Sees Barack Obama: lightweight, disconcertingly cute, easily squashable, just a shade too pale B. The most adorable little thing ever to eat its way through your intestines C. An axolotl, the best-known of the Mexican neotenic mole salamanders D. Your brain on drugs Related (as in Just As Stupid) posts: And Finally: What McCain Supporters Look Like To Obama, What Obama’s Supporters Look Like to McCain, How Barack Obama Sees John McCain,... Read more

Happy Father’s Day! Or Not.

June 15, 2008 By John Shore

I’m not anti-Father’s Day, or anything like that. And (of course — what with having been born of one and all), I’m hardly anti-fathers. My own father isn’t a bad guy. He’s never meant anyone any harm (and that’s actually Saying Something, isn’t it?) He worked hard every day to keep his family clothed, sheltered, and fed. Didn’t get high. Was never physically abusive. Didn’t sleep around. Not a bad dad! Had problems, yes. Had problems enough, in fact, to... Read more

How Barack Obama Sees John McCain

June 14, 2008 By John Shore

This is: A. How Barack Obama sees John McCain B. How John McCain sees Bill Clinton C. How Bill Clinton sees Monica Lewinsky D. How Monica Lewinskly sees Jenny Craig E. How Jenny Craig sees everybody F. All of the above G. A blogfish H. A blobfish Related (as in Just As Stupid) posts: How John McCain Sees Barack Obama, What McCain Supporters Look Like To Obama, What Obama’s Supporters Look Like to McCain, What Hillary Looks Like in Obama’s... Read more

What Obama Looks Like In Hillary’s Dreams

June 13, 2008 By John Shore

This is: A. How Hillary Clinton sees Barack Obama: cute; makes everyone feel good; lacks legs; B. The star of the new Pixar movie: “Smerdly, the Littlest Nose Picker” C. A lot less fun to step on than you’d think D. A Venusian who’s polite enough not to point E. The result of a date gone terribly wrong for Thing from the Adamms family F. The worst Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float ever. G. A “dumbo octopus.” (Photograph from “The Deep: The Extraordinary... Read more

What Hillary Looks Like In Obama’s Dreams

June 12, 2008 By John Shore

This is: A. What Hillary Clinton looks like in Barack Obama’s dreams B. Batman in his much, much later years C. The love child of E. T. and Liza Minnelli D. The pet mouse of Barry Bonds E. Me, suffering God’s punishment for making jokes at the expense of others F. Satan’s little bundle of joy, Beelzebubby G. An Aye-aye, the world’s largest nocturnal primate, native to Madagascar Not buying any of these? Offer your own guess! Related posts: Related posts: And Finally: What McCain... Read more

One Woman’s Conversion Experience (While Driving!)

June 9, 2008 By John Shore

Candace, a reader from Wisconsin, wrote to tell me of her conversion experience. It’s as moving as anything like it I’ve ever read. Here’s what she had to say: Heading into 2007, I was in miserable shape. I had been a heavy drinker for 25 years. I had abandoned a 20-year career in a hospital laboratory in 2002, and had lost all of my savings in a failed business venture. It had become increasingly difficult for me to hold a job... Read more

Mr. “Wasn’t Having Any” Responds to Christians

June 6, 2008 By John Shore

The other day I posted a piece called Jesus the Decider: Who Gets Into Heaven?, in which I recounted a conversation I’d overheard between a proselytizing Christian and “a guy who Wasn’t Having Any,” whom I referred to as WHA. WHA’s Big Point was that there is no logical basis for Christians to so heavily rely upon John 14:6 (“No one comes to the Father except through me”) as proof that only Christians can get into heaven or reside with God in... Read more

How John Wayne proposed to his third wife. (Bonus: a pic of her apparently haunted bananas flambe!)

June 5, 2008 By John Shore

First I shared with you Pilar Wayne’s recipe for Salmon Mousse (Why John Wayne walked funny), taken from her book Pilar Wayne’s Favorite and Fabulous Recipes, which I found in the laundry room of my apartment complex. Now, from that same book, I share with you (verbatim, exactly as it appears in the book) Pilar’s account of how The Duke proposed to her: In 1954 Duke was filming a movie called “The Sea Chase” with gorgeous Lana Turner in Kona, Hawaii and John... Read more